I woke up Saturday morning with the chills, a throbbing in my head and congestion that made my teeth ache.  I would have stayed in bed but my back felt like it had carried an elephant through the night.  I dragged myself over to the clubhouse thinking I could run from this virus, stay a few steps ahead of it.  Lately, it seems all I've been is sick.  I stopped exercising back in April when I had surgery.  I got sick that same week and have never been the same.  I think exercising keeps the stress to a manageable level and well, there is a lot to be stressed about these days.  Even though, I feel like I do okay each day, obviously, it is taking it's toll on my health so last Monday, I decided to get back to my daily routine of cardio and weights.  If I skipped now, before establishing this habit again, I would be defeated and I was not about to let that happen. 

I probably expended more energy complaining about my exercises yesterday than any other effort I made.  Each step was painful, my lungs could hardly expand and my nose was running faster than I was.
"Why on earth am I doing this?" Was the question that rolled through my mind like a wall street ticker tape.
Well, for one thing, my arthritis is petrifying me 1" of a joint at a time.  It progresses when I am sitting, standing or sleeping and that is all I've been doing lately, well , not sleeping but sitting and standing.  Second of all, it helps me stay caught up with my mind which would run amok if I let it. 

I am in limbo.  That undesirable place when you become uncomfortably flexible while waiting for the 'party' to begin.  There have been some false starts and over zealous plans, inklings of something big taking off but no, I'm still in limbo.  Looking for work, making plans and waiting for news on the kids.  I don't like the absence of concrete things.  Even bad things that are concrete are better than waiting and wondering what lurks behind each corner. 

It has been 5 weeks since the genetic tests were done on the kids.  It seems everything is hinging on the return of those tests.  We can't start GI work ups, immunology, pulmonology,endocrinology, oncology or any other ology until we have genetics.  The kids need their bone marrow biopsies done and I like to do those during spud harvest so they aren't missing school but again, we have to wait which means our window for scheduling that is getting smaller and smaller.  I am growing more and more impatient feeling like I can't even plan anything in my life until we know what we are dealing with and what doctors will need to be scheduled sooner than later. It's a crazy place to be. 

I feel like I have ADD.  I can't hardly sit still or concentrate on anything.  I sit down to do a task and within minutes, I am looking for another distraction.  I watch the clock and wait for the mailman to come. Even when I am cleaning, I don't stick to my usual pattern, I jump around and am really not very effective.  So, I need to continue to run everyday.  Hopefully, in doing so, I will get my health back, both physically and mentally.


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