Don't Let Me Forget....Part 2

(If you are going to read this through in one sitting, grab a snack...it's long...I'm just sayin....)
Thoughts have been teeming through my head today I could hardly wait to get them all down on paper and begin to parse through them all and form one cohesive message.  Sometimes, for me at least, this is how the Holy Ghost works.  A message in anagram form that I am then forced to work through.  I guess that's all part of the whole search, ponder and pray formula.  Someday, maybe in the near future, months or years from now, I am going to have to remember how I felt this morning.  I will need to find my way back to that moment when connections were made, and clarity reigned in my mind.  Sadly, it is only 16 hours later and already I have almost forgotten what it felt like.  The peace, the stillness, the aha...I get it moment as I sat in the temple. 

I arrived early for the session, 45 minutes early.  A couple of workers asked if I would like to do some other work before the session began.  I kind of hummed and hawed, she said she would see if they needed help then come back to let me know.  Sure enough, they had no one there and doing a few names would have helped them out.  Well, to my surprise, mostly because it felt like a selfish thing to do, I said, "no, I would rather not this morning. I will just sit in the chapel and wait."

I was looking forward to the time I could spend in silence from the stressors of my daily, grinding life.  I relished in the thoughts of 45 min. to do nothing, be nothing, say nothing, think nothing, feel nothing...well maybe the spirit and be alone! (I know, I hate being alone)  I sat down on the bench and immediately felt a steady exhale escaping, a long sigh and I felt lighter.  Simple, distinct thoughts began to settle around the frayed edges of my mind securing their raveled ends.  Thoughts I had never planned on stealing me away. 

I heard the voices of many people, many loving people with good intentions say things like "Why are you so upset?"  "What surprises you about this news, you know your kids are sick?" "Well, this is nothing new for you, this is your life everyday, you'll be fine."  I remembered how sad it made me feel to hear those comments.  I remembered that just 3 weeks ago, I was beside myself in despair, fear, a tsunami of desolation and hopelessness that rendered me broken into a pool of tears most days.  As I sat there, I was ashamed of feeling so scared.  Where was my faith?  I have faith, I have strong faith that has been tested for 41 years.  I was born with trials and tribulations so no, this is not new to me but it is.  I prayed for forgiveness for not being strong and trusting more in God and then came these feelings I don't ever want to forget but I know I will...

Everything in my life has lead me to the trials I face today. I could clearly see each and every trial starting with my birth.  I was born with a congenital hip defect, doctors questioned if I would ever walk. I could see, each trial with a purpose, its meaning. I saw what I had learned from each one and how it equipped me to handle the next one.  God has brought me from one trial to the next in His loving, caring way, each one getting a little harder, demanding a few more tears,  requiring a little more hope, compelling a fragment more of faith and a substantial amount of time 'wrestling' with the spirit on my knees in prayer.  The Spirit was gentle as it reminded me that each trial is new, a place I've never been before.  It's okay to find it hard, it's suppose to be hard, it's going to be hard. It's okay to feel sadness and fear.  Remember? Line upon line...trials work that way too.  I felt forgiven.  I felt understood and even validated in the moments I didn't handle with graceful faith. I can't keep worrying about what other people think of me or my life. 

Then the part I hate but is just as important as the rest.  I felt an overwhelming presence of peace.  A knowing entered my whole being that I need to work hard over the next few days, weeks to prepare spiritually for what lies ahead.  Though I have only an idea of what that is going to be, I know this is the time for me to prepare myself and my kids for the next big trial. If there is one thing I have learned, never underestimate the trials God can give you.  Hearts will be stretched to the point of breaking, emotions will rift in overwhelm but God will be there, somewhere in the details of it all with a plan that I have to accept and the sooner I learn to want His will for me, the sooner I will find joy in the journey of whatever trial comes next.  I guess this is another tender mercy of the Lord.  There was no doubt that today I caught a glimpse of His eternal plan and he is setting things up for something great to learn.  I'm pretty sure I won't be too happy about it but whatever good it is for, it will be good for me.  I may want to utter the words, "Why do you hate me?"  but then I will remember this day, these moments and how important it will be to give up, give up the fear and keep the faith.

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