The not so pretty side of life.

The last three weeks have been kind of tough with one thing or another.  There have been some really overwhelming moments.  As the kids get older and continue to reach milestones, I stand in awe of all that they have accomplished.  They have crammed a lot into their short little lives so far. The accomplishments are different from your average bear and sometimes, being different isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 Sometimes, all I see are the differences, the things they couldn't do, the things that keep them on the fringes of life and I get a little resentful. Sometimes, all I can see are the judgments of others who claim to be so perfect, perfect wives, perfect husbands, perfect mothers, perfect kids, everything's just perfect.  Of course, it's not a place I like to be and try not to stay there for long but sometimes, it can be an ugly place, even if just for a minute.

Graduation this week was a huge accomplishment for Spencer, especially when you consider the teacher he has been stuck with over the past 9 months!  He had to show a lot of initiative and hard work in order to get done with high school.

At graduation, I experienced this flood of emotion, both good and bad and even ugly emotions that I didn't expect to surface.  It happens though and when it does, it makes me feel guilty and even mean for having such thoughts. When it happens, I don't even recognize the person I am in that moment!  They read off the list of honor students, kids who had maintained a 4.0 GPA for every year of high school.  They were adorned with their golden tassels and medals hanging around their necks.  It was the brainiacs that were asked to speak.  They never choose the kid with the 3.0 GPA as the Valedictorian and the kid that barely got by with a 2.0 is even worse off.  The talks were a bit dry and their jokes referring to Dungeons and Dragons and eccentric poets I had never heard of were a bit over my head...okay, way over my head!

I couldn't help but reflect on my kids and their measly 2.something GPA, hardly a commendable average.  I was so excited when Sam handed me his report card to see that he had managed to spell the word "D-A-D" with his grades! That's an accomplishment because you see, I was afraid he was going to spell "F-A-D" with his grades, and F in math an A in art and a D in English but, he managed to get the F in math all the way to a D!!

My kids aren't well rounded in their education according to this town's expectations. They weren't doing math and reciting the alphabet even before Kindergarten started and I'm not certain they knew their colors. I spent my time just playing with them, no pressure, just hoping I was granted one more day to hold them close.  I didn't have time to put them in dance and baseball, violin and soccer, we were spending our time and money in other ways, like at the hospital.  We didn't pursue drama, our life was dramatic enough.  Math and English became less and less important and History?  Well, we were creating our family history and trying to make it as rich as we could and soon, staying alive overwhelmed each day.  Before I knew it, our unspoken mantra for life was just get a 'D' and stay alive.  I know, so much for high expectations.

Just when I think I've had enough, the big whoop-dee-doo is over and we retreat back into our little world of chronic dysfunction; where the measuring sticks of life are less rigid and way more fun and pray it will be a long while before we have to surface again into the world of great expectations, the one in which we don't even come close to belonging

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Comments

  1. I think creating those memories as a family is WAY more important than learning Math or History, or whatever it may be. I should have looked for "my"golden tassels from my graduation. I would have let him borrow them. I stole the ones I wore from my brother! haha! I didn't graduate with Honors or anything either and really I don't even think it matters! =)

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