Enjoying the ride...

...At least that is what I am trying to do, albeit not very successfully tonight.  It's hard to grasp how one minute you experience shear joy and the next moment, or in my case, at the same time, I am wrestling with tiresome thoughts of doing this for one more day!  Go figure.  I always knew I was 'special' like that.  Actually, I think they have a name for it...Bipolar...or is it Chronic Fatigue of the brain from life coming at you too fast!

This week is going to be an interesting 'Ology' week .  I have to set up appointments for a host of specialties: Neurology, Rheumatology, Gastroenterology, Pulmonology, and Cardiology, oh, I almost forgot, Podiatry for Sam to get his toenail yanked off.  I am done foolin' around with that crappy cellulitis.

In all this, I am trying to piece Shelbie together or at least try to keep her from falling the rest of the way apart!  She is struggling so much.  It seems that each day is a little worse than the day before.  She feels sick constantly and has zero energy.  I'm talking zero, zip, nada!

On top of the physical problems, she is clearly depressed.  I have never seen depression like this and it's not something I handle very well.  I am a fixer.  I fix things.  I fix my kids or at least think I am keeping them healthy or as healthy as they can be. You can't fix depression.

Shelbie is at a crossroads in life.  She is at that point when girls her age have steady relationships, boyfriends, plans for marriage and kids, school, careers, futures to plan.  Shelbie has deteriorated physically this year and it has been hard finding friends who understand her situation and can deal with it.  She has been on quite a few dates but after the 3 or 4th date, when they are trying to learn more about her, they find out the challenges she lives with and they are gone in a flash. It's kind of sad really.

Tonight, Spencer asked her to go to a fireside up on campus.  She flat out refused and got incredibly angry which was not even congruent with the situation.  She ran downstairs crying.  I went down and asked her what was happening and she just doesn't see the point anymore to trying to find friends, trying to feel a sense of belonging.  She has convinced herself that she is a nobody, a nothing and has no purpose in being here. She is going to miss Spencer in the most terrible way and her one and only best friend just left on a mission. So, to say she has a lot going on is an understatement.

I talked to our Doctor in Seattle about things and Shelbie opened up a bit too.  The doctor said this isn't uncommon for depression to surface at times of transition and change.  When she worked in Boston, they had a coping clinic to help their chronically ill patients get through these difficult times.  She is trying to get something going in Seattle but that doesn't help us.

I am at a loss.  This is something that feels beyond my realm of knowledge.  My heart just breaks for her and I try to help her but she takes it the wrong way so contention becomes the theme of every day.

Sam is on the same path I fear.  I talked to him about going back on some meds we dropped a few years ago and he is considering it which might help.  Even though great blessings await us and wonderful changes and opportunities abound, there is stress in all that too.  It's a lot to handle.



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