Facing your fears

At every stage in my life, there's been something to worry about.  When I was a teenager, my best friend was really sick.  I always worried about what I would do, what I would become if I lost her.  Well, one day, I did lose her.  I had convinced myself that I would never survive without her.

When I got married, I worried for a moment that it wouldn't last.  I remember the morning of my wedding, I said to my soon to be husband..."Are you in this for forever cause if you have the smallest doubt, tell me now cause I'm in it for eternity."  Well, forever ended up being 14 years and I had convinced myself that I would never survive.

Two years ago, the economy tanked in our little town and my biggest fear then was losing my job.  I remember telling a friend, "Surely, if layoffs happen, they won't lay off the single mom." Well, they did and I had convinced myself I would never survive. 

After a half a lifetime of experiences and trials I had convinced myself I would never survive, here I am and I have survived.  Not always an easy thing to do and I have had my moments of dark despair but here we are.  In the end, I was so glad when my biggest fear was finally being realized because the anticipation of the bad thing was way worse than the actual event.  Divorce was horrible but not as horrible as I had made it out in my mind to be.  Losing my job was devasting but in the devastation, I found strength and resources I never knew I had.  Having sick kids is something every mother fears, especially pregnant ones but I conquered that one too. 

Now, my biggest fear is cancer.  Cancer in one of my kids.  Though it's admittedly a twisted way to think, I sometimes just wish it would hurry up and happen so I can stop worrying about it and realize that it's not as bad as I have made out to be in my mind.  I know mothers ,who right now, are fighting for the life of their child who battles cancer at a young and tender age and I don't know how they do it.  I stand in awe of them, their courage, their faith cause right now, it's my worse nightmare!

  It seems like cancer has threatened us so many times, I'm sick of the threats, the anticipation of dealing with it and then find out it was a false alarm!  All these false alarms are worse I think than just dealing with the real thing...does any of this make sense?!!  But then, I don't want that either!  I guess what I'm really asking for is to not have to be scared anymore... Perhaps that's more an issue of the mind than in the circumstances of life.  I just wish I had a better mind to wrap around all this!


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