From Bummer to Blessed

 I hesitate to talk about the bad days because I really don't want any attention or pity or people to think I am falling apart cause I'm not, there are just sometimes bad days.  I guess if I don't talk about it, then I'm not really being honest about this journey.
     The last couple of weeks have left me in a funk.  Today was particularly rough probably because I was up the entire night trying not to get sick!  I think I cried off and on from 9:00am until noon.  I just felt so overwhelmed with my life.  I tried to pull myself together long enough to get to Walmart for essentials so I could finish the laundry before our company arrived. I cried all the way to Walmart and was even trying to dry my eyes up as I walked through the sliding doors.  I dragged myself through the aisles and probably looked wretched!
      I ran into a dear, dear friend of mine.  Of course, you always see people you know when you are not looking your best!  This friend is older, in her early 70's I'm guessing and since 2003 we have been meeting for lunch every now and then and going to quilt shows.  The past year, we have only seen each other at conferences or funerals.  She was so excited to see me and invited me for lunch.  I was excited to see her and didn't have the heart to tell her I was sick so I went for lunch with her but didn't dare eat much, mostly pushed food around.  I love having older, wiser friends!  She adds so much to my life and it was nice to just catch up with her.  I love her and the afternoon went a little better.
     Another friend invited our family to her condo in West Yellowstone.  That just felt unreal!  What an awesome gift!  We are going to plan to go in celebration of Shelbie finishing her first installment of chemo!  It will be something really great to look forward to!  I am so excited and can't believe the kindness- well, I can, they are a terrific, loving family!
      Tonight, a knock came at the door and there stood the RS President with boxes of sugar cookies, frosting and decorations!  She also had this super cool game!  A few weeks ago, she pleaded me to give her some idea of how people could help us.  So many people have wanted to help but how?  I love to have fun with my kids, I love to be silly, crazy and spontaneous.  I am running out of crazy fun things to do so suggested if anyone had any ideas of fun games or things they do with their own kids to bring everyone closer together to let me know.  It's really important to me!  Two sisters in our ward, who I don't even know that well, made dozens and dozens of St. Patrick Day and Easter sugar cookies, frosting and decorations!  It was better than Christmas!!! I'm serious!!  For now, I put them in the freezer but next week for FHE we are going to decorate those cookies then take them around to the nursing homes and sing!!! I can hardly wait!  We will also take some on the first day of chemo to brighten the other people that Shelbie will be spending the day with in the infusion room!  It was a great idea...I love it and love that they were so generous and kind!
      Finally, I went over to visit my neighbor and get an update on her brother.  We had such a great talk.  She asked me a funny question, if I was angry?  She explained that when her husband died, she went through the cycle of grief and anger was always hard to deal with.  I almost started crying all over again.  There was a huge connection and I felt understood.  Yes, I am angry.  I think the last two weeks I've been stuck in angry mode.  I'm not angry with God, I've never been angry with God.  I'm angry that my kids just can't experience 'normal'.  I get angry that time seems to go so fast. I am angry that I have to worry about 100 other things besides spending time with my kids. I am angry that I am angry....the list goes on.  When I think about it further, anger is just an expression of something deeper...fear.  I'm scared.  Let's be honest, it's easier to be angry than to admit fear.  That just feels weak and I don't want to be weak but sometimes, I am. 
     After all this was a day full of blessings.  I am grateful for all that God did for me today cause he knew it was a tough day.


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