And Here You Are...

I believe the thing that will haunt me the most...til the day I die is the idea that you can bloom where you're planted.  What does that even mean?  There have been seasons when I could imagine what that was, even lived it to a degree.  There are other times when that looks more like giving up, resigning, surviving instead of thriving but that isn't exactly 'blooming'.

I'm sure you're expecting the next sentence to be the unsolved mystery of blooming where you're planted.  

I don't have the answer...still. 

I had a job interview yesterday, up in the beautiful Teton Valley.  I left in plenty of time to account for a trip that was unrushed.  I started my Yo Yo Ma playlist and an Adagio from the Los Angeles Philharmonic and it was the most peaceful 40 minutes of my life.  That's weird...because it was not a peaceful morning and just before I left, I got a letter from the insurance company that they denied my appeals on the more than $20,000 in medical tests from last year.  I think it's actually closer to $35,000.

Yet, it was a peaceful ride.  I don't know what I was feeling, if anything.  I didn't want to be distracted for my job interview.  I just kept thinking to myself...bloom where you're planted.  This is my lot in life, the little weedy, rocky plot of life where I've been planted. 

Maybe blooming where you are planted is at least this much...

Showing up. Doing what you can. 

Maybe this is my season of dormancy.  A time to realize that I don't have what it takes right now to bloom.  Flowers know when it's time to conserve and reserve but that has been lost on me. 

This is not our Spring, for any of us, but here we are, for what it's worth.  

I actually had to laugh on the insurance denial...They stated that as far as they were concerned, the genetic testing they did for the TREX1 gene that Shelbie and Sam both tested positive for will remain denied for all of them, as they already have a genetic disease that was confirmed prior to this. 

It's sad but it's funny.  Yes, they certainly do have two major genetic diseases that have been confirmed yet the insurance company just wants to pretend that's all any human is allowed on this earth..."One genetic problem per customer, thank you so much for understanding!"  I feel so selfish that we have more than our fair share of genetic mishaps.   I really want to send them a little letter back to thank them for pointing that out.  We'll just pretend one of them doesn't exist.  NOW...maybe I can start blooming with that irritating Dyskeratosis Congenita off our plate...ya, the one that is destroying their bone marrow among other things. 

At the same time, I understand and have stated on multiple occasions to a multitude of people that I am not in the business of hunting more problems, borrowing trouble from diseases we have yet to know. 

For now, I'm going to do nothing.  There is literally nothing I can do about paying them.  I'm going to just sit back and watch what happens and I'm not really scared because they can have it all.  There is no amount of money that will solve this problem because what about the next test and the next test that they literally preauthorize but then deny.  There will be no winning at their game to control your life.  It is what it is and here we are...a day I knew was coming.  Eventually, it's not just the people around you who give up on your problems, it's the companies in place to insure your safety and peace of mind too.