It's not what you think
These are definitely trying times. There's faith, and then there's faith. I believe I am at the point in my life when I have nothing left but faith. And while it may sound easy or even something that resembles a blessing (It is a gift and a blessing but still)...living by faith, it is anything but easy. I think I understand now, why faith is compared to a mustard seed; because anything bigger than that is hard to obtain and can only come through years of hardship and adversity. Faith comes with a hefty price tag of endurance, hope, courage, patience, longsuffering...
It is exhausting.
Worry and wonder is easy.
Fear comes naturally.
Anxiety is everlasting from an infinite source of just about anything.
Sometimes, I feel my faith slipping as waves of trouble threaten what I have worked tirelessly and endlessly for. Yesterday, we had driving winds and rain and thunderstorms. Water began running down the wall of my kitchen, on the inside! Anger welled up inside of me before I could even utter a word or think a thought! I stood in the mess outside, still old mounds of snow on the ground, on a 15' ladder I shared with Sam as we tried to determine the source of the leak from my newly installed roof, less than 6 months old. Minutes after we went back in the house we felt the rumblings of a 6.5 magnitude earthquake.
It rattled me something fierce. Another straw on the way to breaking my backbone of faith. But, we rallied. We laughed nervously. We joked. We prayed. It didn't do any damage as you would expect a 6.5 earthquake to do, at least that you can see with your eyes. Inside, my sanity crumbled just a bit.
This morning, I woke to the news that my friend committed suicide on Sunday morning. She was a single mom. We spent a lot of time together when our kids were little. As married couples, we spent time teaching them the gospel, sharing our faith and testimony. They moved away around the time I got divorced. Then they got divorced. She has had to endure so many hardships and difficulties. She has a beautiful family with so many beautiful grandkids. One of her grand daughters endured a year of treatment for Leukemia but it seemed that they were taking it all in stride. She just posted on Saturday about the day of fasting and prayer for Sunday, a worldwide effort to alleviate the suffering and trauma we are experiencing from COVID 19. On Saturday night, she overdosed on prescription medications. A welfare check was done on Sunday night, as no one had heard from her and today, the children, under the advice of doctors, removed her from life support.
I have read the words of her children. They are angry; they needed her. They are sad; they needed her. They are shocked and devastated. What could they have done differently.
It has hit me hard. I have had more than one occasion when the thought of living one more second in the chaos was a far more debilitating thought than ending my life could have ever been. I have known dark, dark moments of despair. I have known what it is like to formulate a plan. I have known how shameful the long the walk into an ER can be, completely alone as I begged for help to get through the night without following through on what seemed like a last resort. I have sat, alone in a mental hospital, more lost than I have ever felt as mourned my once healthy self. I have heard my very own children speak words of their own despair. I have stayed by their side through the dark night, waiting together for the sliver of a morning sun that promises the light will come. I begged and pleaded for them to stay...for me to stay.
Depression, Anxiety, Suicide...is not what you think. It is not a character flaw or weakness. It is life and life is not easy, nor is it fair. Life can beautiful too but not when faced alone. Life is love. That's how we all survive. It's love. It's unadulterated, free from judgement, benefit of the doubt kind of love. That's how we take care of each other...we love.
We don't understand the cross each of us is called upon to bear. We want life to be a happy endeavor. We shy away from the hard and difficult conversations that aren't happy. We are afraid to admit that we are being defeated by anxiety and depression because we should be stronger than that. And sometimes, when we do admit the mental struggles, we actually are lectured about the benefits of a positive attitude. Attitude is everything. We can't choose the problems but we can choose how we react.
Sometimes, we can't. Attitude isn't everything...it's one thing. Attitude is not what you think it its! It isn't the magic bullet to make everything all better. Life is hard and faith is fragile and love can be scarce, especially when you are facing these things alone; when no one even tries to understand. Sometimes, it's more than one can bear. Never assume the person looking so strong and brave has it all together because inside, there is a magnitude of heartache shifting wildly, the anchors they so desperately cling to.
I know that my friend is being held in the arms of our Savior. I know he knows the torment she felt in her lonely hours. I know he will graciously grant her peace and love and forgiving. I pray for her precious children who have yet to understand how this could happen to the mother they loved so dearly. It happens and it's sad but perhaps we can learn from the loss and suffering sooner than later.
It is exhausting.
Worry and wonder is easy.
Fear comes naturally.
Anxiety is everlasting from an infinite source of just about anything.
Sometimes, I feel my faith slipping as waves of trouble threaten what I have worked tirelessly and endlessly for. Yesterday, we had driving winds and rain and thunderstorms. Water began running down the wall of my kitchen, on the inside! Anger welled up inside of me before I could even utter a word or think a thought! I stood in the mess outside, still old mounds of snow on the ground, on a 15' ladder I shared with Sam as we tried to determine the source of the leak from my newly installed roof, less than 6 months old. Minutes after we went back in the house we felt the rumblings of a 6.5 magnitude earthquake.
It rattled me something fierce. Another straw on the way to breaking my backbone of faith. But, we rallied. We laughed nervously. We joked. We prayed. It didn't do any damage as you would expect a 6.5 earthquake to do, at least that you can see with your eyes. Inside, my sanity crumbled just a bit.
This morning, I woke to the news that my friend committed suicide on Sunday morning. She was a single mom. We spent a lot of time together when our kids were little. As married couples, we spent time teaching them the gospel, sharing our faith and testimony. They moved away around the time I got divorced. Then they got divorced. She has had to endure so many hardships and difficulties. She has a beautiful family with so many beautiful grandkids. One of her grand daughters endured a year of treatment for Leukemia but it seemed that they were taking it all in stride. She just posted on Saturday about the day of fasting and prayer for Sunday, a worldwide effort to alleviate the suffering and trauma we are experiencing from COVID 19. On Saturday night, she overdosed on prescription medications. A welfare check was done on Sunday night, as no one had heard from her and today, the children, under the advice of doctors, removed her from life support.
I have read the words of her children. They are angry; they needed her. They are sad; they needed her. They are shocked and devastated. What could they have done differently.
It has hit me hard. I have had more than one occasion when the thought of living one more second in the chaos was a far more debilitating thought than ending my life could have ever been. I have known dark, dark moments of despair. I have known what it is like to formulate a plan. I have known how shameful the long the walk into an ER can be, completely alone as I begged for help to get through the night without following through on what seemed like a last resort. I have sat, alone in a mental hospital, more lost than I have ever felt as mourned my once healthy self. I have heard my very own children speak words of their own despair. I have stayed by their side through the dark night, waiting together for the sliver of a morning sun that promises the light will come. I begged and pleaded for them to stay...for me to stay.
Depression, Anxiety, Suicide...is not what you think. It is not a character flaw or weakness. It is life and life is not easy, nor is it fair. Life can beautiful too but not when faced alone. Life is love. That's how we all survive. It's love. It's unadulterated, free from judgement, benefit of the doubt kind of love. That's how we take care of each other...we love.
We don't understand the cross each of us is called upon to bear. We want life to be a happy endeavor. We shy away from the hard and difficult conversations that aren't happy. We are afraid to admit that we are being defeated by anxiety and depression because we should be stronger than that. And sometimes, when we do admit the mental struggles, we actually are lectured about the benefits of a positive attitude. Attitude is everything. We can't choose the problems but we can choose how we react.
Sometimes, we can't. Attitude isn't everything...it's one thing. Attitude is not what you think it its! It isn't the magic bullet to make everything all better. Life is hard and faith is fragile and love can be scarce, especially when you are facing these things alone; when no one even tries to understand. Sometimes, it's more than one can bear. Never assume the person looking so strong and brave has it all together because inside, there is a magnitude of heartache shifting wildly, the anchors they so desperately cling to.
I know that my friend is being held in the arms of our Savior. I know he knows the torment she felt in her lonely hours. I know he will graciously grant her peace and love and forgiving. I pray for her precious children who have yet to understand how this could happen to the mother they loved so dearly. It happens and it's sad but perhaps we can learn from the loss and suffering sooner than later.
I am so, so sorry 😢
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