By Any Other Name

A pause

A reset

Offline

An episode...this is my personal favorite when describing what happens when your heart stops for more than a few seconds.  

I guess that is what we are calling it now.  An episode. 

Man down. 

Spencer had an episode on Monday, a reboot of his heart, his system went offline, just a pause in consciousness, that's all it was, that's it.  He called me after 'blacking' out, another awesome term that lessens the blow, in a parking lot by himself.  I don't remember if he said it was before or after he threw up everywhere.  

He was alone.  The first time he has been alone.   The cardiology team hasn't posted the event yet to the electronic charting so I'm not exactly sure of the particulars; how fast his heart dropped, when his pacemaker kicked in, how long the 'pause' was.  It should post by next week. 

When he called me, I was in a meeting and couldn't answer.  When I called him back, I knew right away something was very wrong but still, it was about as moving to me as when he would call to tell me he was going to be late for curfew.  No big deal.   It wasn't for several hours later, in the darkest of the night, when the day had finally unraveled itself, that it hit me what had happened.  

It's like a flood of past fear, trauma whatever we are calling that now.  It's a terrible feeling to feel something so long after the fact.  I'm not sure if it's a protective thing, one could think that but from what I've studied, it's the brain going completely offline because it's been in fight or flight for so long, and without a break that it just quits processing.  It feels like I am constantly running from our reality, in a horrible game of tackle football.  As long as I'm running, I'm ahead but things like this tackle me and it's game over. 

Today, I'm trying to get back in the game, shoving all the worry down with a schedule that is completely booked and crammed full of things to do to keep me from thinking. 

Among the tender mercies, the obvious being that Spencer is back 'online', is that I qualified for the assistance program for the Plasma!  This will help so much and offers a little relief, at least financially.