Making my heart his Bethlehem

Tuesday was a discouraging day.  Yesterday was just as hard.  Today, I'm trying to find some peace of mind... somewhere...some silent, holy night.

Shelbie's pulmonary function tests came back last night and the pulmonary doc said there is significant decline in her lung function.  Her oxygen saturations are low and going lower.  Will we begin treating....No.  This world of making money from the sickest of the sick is a strange place to be and until you have been at their mercy with a rare, chronic illness, the battle seems unreal.  Still.  We will continue to wait for pathology, schedule the lung biopsy and rescan and retest in three months.

I've heard this Christmas song nearly every day this week and finally stopped long enough to appreciate the lyrics.  I've wondered in some hard moments, why Christmas is always such a tender, emotional time rather than a joyful and exciting one.  In fact, sometimes, it can feel like a depressing, sad event.  It's so odd to feel this way when we should be rejoicing at the birth, the gift of Christ, our Savior.

I think we live in a weary world.  Christmas is becoming one of the few times of the year that we remember that there is still good in the world. Christmas brings out the best in us. People seem to be more gentle, forgiving, loving, and patient. We see more that we could be doing.  Our hearts are open and soft.   The added focus on Christ reminds us of how deeply and reverently we are blessed, to the measure that we scarcely stop our busyness to notice at any other time of year.

Each year just feels a little longer than the last.  A little more trying.  A little bit harder.  The lyrics of this song have reminded me that our Savior, my Savior, is in the middle of the unexpected, at the bottom of my trembling heart at what I've been asked to do as a mother of these special children.  While the Savior was born of Mary, have I allowed Him to be born in me, every day, over and over?  Is my heart his Bethlehem?  I think I will forever be learning to make room for Him, to trust that he will work out the details when the world has a different agenda and when I feel torn between the two, I hope I will always choose Him, even with my weariness and all.


Be Born of Me...
Everything inside me cries for order
Everything inside me wants to hide
Is this shadow an angel or a warrior
If God is pleased with me, why I am I so terrified
Someone tell me I am only dreaming
Somehow help me see with Heaven's eyes
And before my head agrees, my heart is on it's knees
Holy is He.
Blessed am I.

 (Chorus)
Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that
You chose me I'll hold you in the beginning,
You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

 All this time we've waited for the promise
All this time
You've waited for my arms
Did You wrap yourself inside the unexpected
So we might know that Love would go that far?

 (Chorus)
Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that
You chose me I'll hold you in the beginning,
You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

 I am not brave I'll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I'm just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing, I am Yours