Proud of Us
This past week was the 14th anniversary of living the single mom life.
With every year that passes, I feel a certain amount of dread and regret, even anger, because this was never part of the plan. In some fleeting moments, I just feel nothing but exhaustion because this has been the hardest, most difficult and lonely road I have ever traveled and to think of another year passing with same load of care, I want to give up.
This week, Spencer has been home and together, we all tackled this horribly, awful project of getting our flooring replaced. Our docs have been telling me for a long while that we need to ditch the carpet because the kids' immune systems have become so fragile and allergies are ramping up. It hasn't been something I felt I had energy or space in my head to figure out. I had a little money saved up in order to pay for the new flooring and with a lot of homework and price shopping, managed to get a phenomenal deal from a local flooring company. I don't have enough money to hire the job out so it's been a huge, tiring project.
I watched my kids jump in without complaint and help get the worst of it done. I tried to rent some equipment to make it easier but it didn't work out. The boys aren't allowed to use a lot of power tools because of their pacemakers so ultimately, after 5 minutes of wrestling with the rented tools, they used nothing but their own muscles and a couple of crowbars. I stood in awe at their stamina and sacrifice for me.
I have been around enough men to know that when most honey do projects get under way, there can be some intense moments of frustration with the women who stand by to be helpful. It often ends in a lot of anger and contention which I hate! Because my boys can't use some power tools, I was in charge of the drill, taking out old screws from the backer board and screwing down the new sub floor. With my slow pace and struggle, not once did my boys lose their cool with me or say condescending words that made me feel like a loser. Their deep respect for me, made me love them even more!
It was then that I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for these children I have been given. They are my silver lining. They have been the laughter in the most difficult of circumstances, they are my joy and my reason for doing what I do, day in and day out. The boys take such good, tender care of Shelbie and I.
This week, I'm proud of us. I'm proud of how far we've come. I'm proud that we have grown up together and we are all pretty decent human beings. I'm proud of the way we take care of each other. I don't think they fully grasp the depth of love I have for them.
It has been really hard for me to feel grounded in this house. I have spent more time than I should have holding on to hope that things could fall back into place. Somewhere in all the destruction today, I felt the weight of the last 14 years crumbling apart. I hope as it comes together, some of my soul will find solace and beauty that it's time to move on from this.
With every year that passes, I feel a certain amount of dread and regret, even anger, because this was never part of the plan. In some fleeting moments, I just feel nothing but exhaustion because this has been the hardest, most difficult and lonely road I have ever traveled and to think of another year passing with same load of care, I want to give up.
This week, Spencer has been home and together, we all tackled this horribly, awful project of getting our flooring replaced. Our docs have been telling me for a long while that we need to ditch the carpet because the kids' immune systems have become so fragile and allergies are ramping up. It hasn't been something I felt I had energy or space in my head to figure out. I had a little money saved up in order to pay for the new flooring and with a lot of homework and price shopping, managed to get a phenomenal deal from a local flooring company. I don't have enough money to hire the job out so it's been a huge, tiring project.
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| Spencer and Sam demolishing the tile |
I have been around enough men to know that when most honey do projects get under way, there can be some intense moments of frustration with the women who stand by to be helpful. It often ends in a lot of anger and contention which I hate! Because my boys can't use some power tools, I was in charge of the drill, taking out old screws from the backer board and screwing down the new sub floor. With my slow pace and struggle, not once did my boys lose their cool with me or say condescending words that made me feel like a loser. Their deep respect for me, made me love them even more!
It was then that I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for these children I have been given. They are my silver lining. They have been the laughter in the most difficult of circumstances, they are my joy and my reason for doing what I do, day in and day out. The boys take such good, tender care of Shelbie and I.
This week, I'm proud of us. I'm proud of how far we've come. I'm proud that we have grown up together and we are all pretty decent human beings. I'm proud of the way we take care of each other. I don't think they fully grasp the depth of love I have for them.
It has been really hard for me to feel grounded in this house. I have spent more time than I should have holding on to hope that things could fall back into place. Somewhere in all the destruction today, I felt the weight of the last 14 years crumbling apart. I hope as it comes together, some of my soul will find solace and beauty that it's time to move on from this.
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