I could feel the winds of change sometime last year, when I kept waiting for the bounce back from an overwhelming set of problems that seemed to hit at once.  I never got the bounce I had come to count on, even expect.  I could feel in my bones, that things were getting harder.  Still, I kept telling myself, "Don't worry.  It will all feel back to normal soon."  

I'm waiting...for normal.  Even an old normal that was still very dysfunctional and hard would be lovely! 

At the grocery store early this morning, I ran into someone who made their semi annual inquiry into the kids and such, not because they don't care, it's just that we only run into each other in the pasta aisle once or twice a year.  I gave the quick run down because I know she cares, but she was clearly overwhelmed with just the events of the past month...she said, "I don't know how you keep going.  I couldn't do what you do."

Usually, I shrug off comments like that.  I haven't found on the Contract of Mortality that there is a place to 'Opt out' and I definitely don't think there's a 'Return Policy' in place for trials that don't seem to 'fit' just right.   If I could, I would be sending these trials back.  Somehow, we ended up with duplicates...the kind of trials that spread your faith so thin, you even wonder if you have any faith at all.  We have too many trials that are short on answers and then there are the trials that are without a doubt, out of style and not in line with the current trends of Joy and Contentment.  Of course, I can't leave out the trials that just plain suck!  We have a lot of those too.  

Basically, these trials are feeling more like clutter than anything that is suppose to leave us better than the way they found us.  

Ugh...You know how people choose a new word for the year...Why choose one word when you can choose 4 good words for the year?   UGH!  GAH!  BLAH! DONE!  (insert a good eye roll)

Anyways, I have a point.  Here's my point. 

In answer to all the people who think I'm this amazing soul who God can trust with the hardest trials...which is nonsense...I'm just a normal weakling who is being toughened up with the battles of life.  I don't yet feel as tough as these hard battles need me to be but I suppose we will continue to rise the best we can to these occasions to prove ourselves but believe me, that in itself, is getting harder each day. 

If you happen to have some extra favors with the Lord, we could use a few whispered prayers sent in the direction of Heaven.  Mostly because all this feels like more than enough.  I made my 100th trip to the doctor today and my kidney issues are worsening even after 2 weeks on antibiotics.  If I don't start feeling better, this family is sunk.   I'm starting to have increasing worry that I have a serious problem that is not going to end well.  I haven't seen that anyone else is in line to take care of the upcoming problems with the it's all on me and I really need to be on top of my game, not stumbling along, barely able to live myself. 

Okay...well, another awesome, uplifting post from yours truly. 

Carry on fellow soldiers.


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