Skip to main content

The Bathroom Wall



Sometimes, I wonder what in the world I am doing here.  I'm not entirely sure my purpose, my plan, or what gives my life meaning.

At times, I feel like all we do is exist on a big bathroom wall.  We carve our name into the powder coated metal that is already rusting in the corner of a forgotten gas station in the middle of nowhere on the way to who knows where, and leave our mark...a subtle note that we were somewhere, we existed, and something inside us, urged us along to be seen...right there on the bathroom wall...or on any old wall for that matter.

The more time I have spent with May, the more I realize that we all want to be seen.  We want to be seen beyond our crazy, in spite of our walls and illusions of okay.  On every visit with May over the past 20 years,  we say our goodbyes and she says, 'thank you for remembering me.'  and inside, a little voice of my own whispers, 'thank you for remembering me.'   With every piece of paper she stuffs into her heavy laden car, it's as if she has placed another carving of herself on the bathroom wall...I was here.

Last Fall, on a particularly rough weekend, Spencer and I ran away to Bannack State Park; a ghost town and it changed me in so many ways.  Who was that last person left to lock up a town and walk away?  Did they carve their name on the wall to mark their existence?

As we walked through the buildings, some visitors had left their name.  I find the names of strangers so intriguing.  I catch myself wondering what they were like, why they were there.  As I read the walls that afternoon, I came across two that I couldn't shake from my mind...'David McC' and 'Cliff McC' from Radford College.  June 2, 1978.

Image result for when my soul was in the lost and foundIt's been months now and I still think about these two men often.  Two total and complete strangers who crossed my path decades ago.  For some reason...I do this...I can't not, find out about them.  So, I did.  I've been looking for these men since that day and I found 'Cliff McC'.  I found him in the folds of Facebook.  After waffling about what to do, I sent him a picture of his name he wrote so long ago with a note that said, "I found you."

He was happy to be found and part of me wonders if he's ever been lost.







Photobucket

Comments

  1. I love this. And I love that Aretha Franklin quote. :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Some Results

I was surprised to get a brief update from our doctor this morning.

They did not catch any seizure activity last week.  She said that while that may be good news, it didn't rule out deep structure seizures.   I asked if the test gave any insight to the cause of the slowing of activity in her brain and these were her words.

" No, this does not give an answer ... But it is just one test, done one time ..."

We are still waiting on the MRI results.  I'm not losing hope.  I know, I play this game ALL THE TIME...I wish for problems that no one in their right mind would wish for.  I only do that because it's usually the option with a fix.  Of all the things they are considering to be an issue for Shelbie, seizures are the simplest explanation and medication would manage it.

I'm certain we aren't going to find a solution to her problems any time soon.  While I sat in the waiting room during her 2 hour MRI last Thursday, there was a couple in the room as well.  A…

Random Saturday

Whenever I feel like we are careening out of control, I declutter and clean.  By midnight on Friday, I had 1/3 of my living room filled with stuff I didn't want.  Today, I made a couple of trips to the thrift store and the dump.

Ahhh, I feel like I lost 20 pounds.

When Sam came home after his first week at school a while back, he said, "Wow, my room looks the same."

"What did you think your room would look like?"  I asked.

"Clean."

Turkey!  He came home this morning with his laundry and was a bit despaired.  He said, "Mom, you gotta help me with the smell in my apartment!  I can't stand it anymore! Do we have any Ozium?"

He went on to explain that there is no garbage disposal in the kitchen sink but food gets crammed down there anyways.  He said he keeps putting the little metal drains in that are meant to catch bits of food but his roommates take them out.  He's about fed up.  And while he was on his rant about boys and their leve…

A Witness

I was expecting just another run of the mill night at the gym last night.  The kind where the 'meat heads' stay at their end of the gym grunting and groaning to sound strong and I would claim a little corner in the room where the Yogi's hang out and Plank, and there I would Spin on a bike for a few miles, do some rowing, a little TRX and finish up with some free weights.

Last night though, I actually decided to do an easier workout and took an inclined walk on the treadmill.  There were no meat heads in far end of the gym.  No one really at the gym at all.  For the longest time, I kept pace with an old guy on a bike behind me.

But then, a man and his son came in.  I knew them.  I knew them well but they don't know just how well I know them.  They have a son who passed away from Cystic Fibrosis a little while ago, he would have been Spencer's age now.  They have a younger son who also has CF.  I knew his wife and mother in law back when my kids were being diagnosed.…