Through the trees

It's been a week of deep thinking, new challenges, a few good things and some not good things.

Friday was another milestone of birthdays for me.   I really didn't want to celebrate or even acknowledge my birthday.  Birthdays have become a reminder that another year has come and gone and I have nothing to show for any progress I've made in life.  Still trying to find the forest as I make my way through all these trees!  Most days, I still feel like I'm 10  years old and wonder why in the world I've been left with so much responsibility.  Other days, I feel like I'm 80 years old and wonder why in the world I've been left with so much responsibility...I'm too old to be working the way I do!

At any was just another day.  Well, not exactly.  We got word late on Thursday night that our 'Santa' Mike who passed away two years ago, had a son who was expected to pass on Friday.  He was their only son and was born with Downs Syndrome.  I remember how Mike would take such tender care of his son.  Mikey had to have surgery to remove some necrotic tissue but in the process became septic.  Mid week, the doctors let the family know that there was nothing more they could do so they gathered on Friday to say goodbye.

All day, I was emotional at the thought of this sweet family saying another hard goodbye but at the same time, I felt so much clarity about death and Heaven.  I could see so clearly Mike being in that hospital room with his family, comforting them and ready to receive Mikey back to Heaven.  In my mind, I saw spirits of love mingled with all the love on this side of Heaven.  I saw that young man surrounded with loving care.  I imagined how his mom must feel to be passing their son off to her husband who has been watching over them on the other side of Heaven.  It was a sweet thought, but hard to say the least.  Shelbie was going to go down to the hospital to capture their goodbyes in photographs but they decided to have her at the funeral instead, later this week.

I spent a few hours with May at the mental hospital again on Saturday.  It was a hard visit.  She is really not happy there and she doesn't understand why she was committed.  To her, Schizophrenia is her way of life, she doesn't even see herself as sick.  Living in her car makes her happy.  She doesn't understand why they won't leave her alone and let her live her life.  She was also upset with me that I didn't get very far in breaking her out of there.  That broke my heart but she has renewed hope in my efforts this week.   She thinks I work at the hospital  now and that frustrated her that I hadn't come to sneak her the master key to unlock the locked doors so she could sneak out.

May is such a sweet and tender spirit.  It's extremely hard to believe that at 86 years old, you could be arrested and committed.  Most 86 year olds I know, are settled nicely into an assisted living home, not walking laps at a mental institution. She has walked 28 miles!!  Down two short corridors.  For every 10 miles, they give her a reward.  This week, she got a stress ball and 5 phony dollars to 'spend' at the Canteen but became upset when she had to pay $1.50 for one bite size of a Milky Way bar.  When she reaches 35 miles, she gets a pair of sunglasses.  In her mind, the people who get to 35 miles seemed to go home right after getting their sunglasses so she thinks that's the whole point to being there- just get the 35 miles, collect your sunglasses and voila! get to go home. She doesn't realize that those people who made their 35 miles were just shuffling along for months!!! Not two weeks!  The dilemma is, she has no home and now she has no car and they have taken away her drivers license.  Just imagine that frustration and pain to feel like your entire world has been taken away and you have no idea what you did wrong?

I left with a promise to return with Milky Way bars and a pair of reading glasses and some brochures for assisted living places.  She plans to reach the 35 mile mark by Monday (tomorrow) so that she can get her sunglasses and leave.  The cellulitis in her leg was much worse on Saturday and she had a flare in her Scabies.

It's hard with each passing week of difficulty to see beyond all these trees!  It's so easy to get lost and turned around and strain to see the big picture.  I had a bit of a wake up call on Thursday night and into Friday morning with the kids.  They all have their struggles in trying to balance their health, or lack thereof with what they can do in life.  It's so hard for them when they literally can't travel the usual and expected path in life.  I haven't had time to be as present in helping them and lets be honest, I'm dealing with my own demons of undetermined expectations of life and just getting through the day is about all I can handle.  The wake up call came at about 11:30 pm when we were all arguing and Shelbie said, "How can you sit there and preach to us about how much God loves us and how we need to have hope yet you have lost your faith too!  You are the one I hold on to.  You are always strong and happy and I know if you have faith then I can have faith too because I trust you and I need you to be strong for me!  For us but I don't even know you anymore!"

Whoa...I was quick to clarify that I have not lost my faith.  Not even a bit of it.  There is a big difference between losing your faith and being completely exhausted and lost.  I don't understand why we struggle when others are blessed to find a swift end to their struggling.  I don't really understand the whys of it all but I'm willing to hang in there until I find those answers.

Wow!  A long post I didn't plan on. At any rate, we continue to wend our way through this forest of trees even if it means circling back a million times on a lost trail.

Ohhh...but in good news, Sam was hired to be an instructor and coach at the new trampoline gym coming to town next month.  He is so happy!  I haven't seen Sam so incredibly happy in such a long time!!  He started contacting the owners over a month ago and kept calling every week until they interviewed him Thursday.   He will primarily be over the Ninja Warrior course and the head Parkour Coach as well.  I'm really proud of him.  It's so nice to see him full of energy at this new adventure.



  1. That is so exciting for Sam! I didn't even know there would be one coming here! Thank you for sharing, my faithful friend. :)


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