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Tune My Heart

On our way home from Salt Lake on Friday night, Spencer finally closed his eyes and slept.  For the first time ever, on a long drive home, there was no sound in the car, not even the radio.  There was nothing to drowned and distract my thoughts.

I had a lot of time to be still and stay with the feelings that rolled over me in complete and utter overwhelm.  I had a thought or two about our situation, I mean, different from my usual report of being bone, soul tired.

I had this thought a couple of months ago but I remembered it again as I was driving.  We are certainly in a situation that is, in every way, shape and form, beyond our control.  I know this is a truth but still, there are days I wonder if even God has control of things going on down here for us. He does.  I know he does but my weak, human side sometimes wonders. 

This year, as hard as God has been trying to teach me this principle, I've been fighting him all the way.  

Brene Brown

I have absolutely no interest in living this life anymore.  I have absolutely no interest in watching this disease process unfold.  I have absolutely exhausted my resources...every resource.  Even the people around are exhausted just reading our story I think. I have done absolutely everything I can think of to avoid all the hurt and struggle.  I absolutely hate feeling weak and out of control.

So...God finally found a way to one up my independence!

As the mile posts crept by, I decided to let God in on my little secret...I'm not finding much joy in this journey or did he mean that literally that men are that they might have joy but mom's...well, it was never meant to be easy.   Cause the latter is certainly more true than finding much joy these days.  Somehow, in these ponderings, I decided to give up.

Give it all up.  I can't do this anymore.  I don't know what to do for my kids anymore.  I don't know what to do with all the differing opinions from doctors who really don't know much more than I do!  It has gotten to the point when I really can't even see how I will make it another hour, let alone another day.  So, I just handed my life and all the complexities back to him.

In that mental process, I found some clarity.  We are hardwired for struggle.  That's the point to being here, to grow and growth only comes in struggle and opposition.

After that, I felt 110% better~  magically infused with energy and hope and that all elusive joy!

Actually, I didn't feel any of that!  I just felt tired and I think my response to God was, "Really...I'm not getting a break?  Fine.  I understand."  I do understand but that doesn't mean it is easy.  Just to solidify His message, it was right after this that Shelbie called with her hysterical voice after being hit by a tire while driving on the highway.  All I could do was look Heavenward and offer up an endearing eye roll which I think made Him smile...

I have barely made it through the weekend.  It's been pleading for help and strength on the hour I think.  I don't have a clue how I will get through Sam's procedure tomorrow, Shelbie's on Wednesday, Spencer's on Thursday and somehow, avoid getting fired because I can't do it all.  But I am putting God to the test.  I'm going to work steady when I can and take care of my kids when I need to and hopefully, get a little sleep and rest.

As I stay in the wrestle and rumble, I hope I can keep my heart tuned to Him and in return, I know his mercies will continue to stream through our family.

This week, I will try to remember this...I know that God would probably like to take this away but can't short change us on our learning and growth.  It's my little Gethsemane...

Brene Brown/Glennan Doyle Melton- Courageworks



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