Skip to main content

Calling it quits life!  I'm done!

I realize life is not meant to be easy.  I realize that we are here to be tested but seriously...there comes a point when enough is enough; a point when the trials are no longer becomes nothing more than just mustering up a little more shear grit to get through one more day.  It's about how long you can hang on the end of the proverbial rope by the tips of your broken and chewed off fingernails!
That's all.  That's all my life is about.  I'm to the point where I no longer expect anything good to come out of my existence here anymore.  There is no spark of hope to muster up.  No faith.  No inspiring thoughts.  No clever adage.  No pulling up your boot straps...the big girl panties are too big and keep falling down really...I'm done.

Here's my white flag.

In case you're wondering...I had a little reckoning moment with God too. It wasn't pretty.  There was a lot of ugly crying going on.  Even my Wasband who came over in the heat of the moment was shaking his head in dismay at "ONE MORE THING" gone wrong for us.

Tuesday, Shelbie's camera broke in the middle of a photo shoot.  The shutter failed.  She had three photo shoots planned for Tuesday.  It takes 3-4 weeks and $500 or more to fix a shutter.  We raced into the nearest city, bought a $2200 camera and raced home.  I bought a $2200 camera.  I had that much left before my only credit card is officially maxed out.  She will pay me back but it sucks.  For both of us.  She cried half the day over the camera and the fact she couldn't pay for it herself.

Wednesday, she had her transfusion.  The nurse wanted to see the wall treatment we did in Spencer's room so I took her upstairs.  I noticed that Sam's bedroom carpet and the hall looked filthy.  I made a note to remind Sam to take his boots off when he comes home from work.

When Sam got home from digging a grave at the cemetery, he asked what happened to his carpet?  I said, "I was going to ask you the same thing?"
"It's soaked.  It squishes when you walk on it."

I raced upstairs and sure enough, water everywhere!  Not just water.  The vinyl was curled up so I pulled it back and there was mold everywhere!  4" up on the baseboards, the toe kick of the vanity and the vinyl was squishy with water underneath.

I cleaned up the surface water, and sprayed the visible areas of mold with bleach and spent 45 minutes scrubbing the walls and mold but then I realized it was just a bigger issue than cleaning.  I don't know how no one noticed this problem sooner!  It's obviously been leaking for a while.  Makes sense since my kitchen lights keep shorting out and the kitchen is below the bathroom.

Mold and all the floor is wet and swollen with water. 

More mold and wet 4" up the vanity

Sam and I worked our little hearts out to take out the toilet, remove the marble countertop, without breaking it, and then dismantle the vanity. 
It was so disheartening.  After work last night, came home and had to spend another 2.5 hours vacuuming up more water that had surfaced on the carpet and I was so mad and freaked out about the mold and just couldn't stop cleaning!

Part of me wonders just how much hype surrounds mold and what the real facts are.  I have three kids with lung disease so  it's not like I can take any chances. I worried that I was being irrational by pulling it all out but I think I did the right thing.  Plus...It's been smelling so bad upstairs lately, but now I know why.

After I finally calmed my head down sometime after midnight...I made a better plan.  I think I can do most of the work myself.  I took it all apart, how hard can it be to put it back together and I've laid flooring before and I have now pulled a toilet and I know how to set a toilet...well, I've helped set a toilet about 20 years ago so it's like riding a bike right?  I think I know where it's leaking and I'm sure I can replace those connections easy enough.

I have a few builders I know who I draw plans for on occasion so I am going to try and trade some work to get a new subfloor installed.  I spoke to one this morning and he even offered me some extra tile pieces he has.  I think I can carefully cut the base of the vanity and I think I'll add some legs to the corners so it is open underneath and looks like a piece of furniture.  That way, I think I can reuse it.  Thankfully, we didn't break the marble counter top so we can reuse that.

Shelbie had weird reactions last night to the infusion.  Monday, out of the blue, I got a call from a Pulmonologist in Utah who wants to see Shelbie next week.  I guess our Oncologist really wanted her to be seen and so he made the referral but forget to mention it to me.  It's fine really.  She does need to be seen again since breathing is more of a struggle than it use it be.  We will have just a week or two break and then a mass amount of appointments filling up the entire last two weeks of July.

I've never asked 'why me' and I don't plan to anytime soon.  I do wish I understood why we can't seem to catch a break.  It's exhausting.



  1. I can only say one thing GAH!!! sorry. If I can help in any way, let me know!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Some Results

I was surprised to get a brief update from our doctor this morning.

They did not catch any seizure activity last week.  She said that while that may be good news, it didn't rule out deep structure seizures.   I asked if the test gave any insight to the cause of the slowing of activity in her brain and these were her words.

" No, this does not give an answer ... But it is just one test, done one time ..."

We are still waiting on the MRI results.  I'm not losing hope.  I know, I play this game ALL THE TIME...I wish for problems that no one in their right mind would wish for.  I only do that because it's usually the option with a fix.  Of all the things they are considering to be an issue for Shelbie, seizures are the simplest explanation and medication would manage it.

I'm certain we aren't going to find a solution to her problems any time soon.  While I sat in the waiting room during her 2 hour MRI last Thursday, there was a couple in the room as well.  A…

Random Saturday

Whenever I feel like we are careening out of control, I declutter and clean.  By midnight on Friday, I had 1/3 of my living room filled with stuff I didn't want.  Today, I made a couple of trips to the thrift store and the dump.

Ahhh, I feel like I lost 20 pounds.

When Sam came home after his first week at school a while back, he said, "Wow, my room looks the same."

"What did you think your room would look like?"  I asked.


Turkey!  He came home this morning with his laundry and was a bit despaired.  He said, "Mom, you gotta help me with the smell in my apartment!  I can't stand it anymore! Do we have any Ozium?"

He went on to explain that there is no garbage disposal in the kitchen sink but food gets crammed down there anyways.  He said he keeps putting the little metal drains in that are meant to catch bits of food but his roommates take them out.  He's about fed up.  And while he was on his rant about boys and their leve…

A Witness

I was expecting just another run of the mill night at the gym last night.  The kind where the 'meat heads' stay at their end of the gym grunting and groaning to sound strong and I would claim a little corner in the room where the Yogi's hang out and Plank, and there I would Spin on a bike for a few miles, do some rowing, a little TRX and finish up with some free weights.

Last night though, I actually decided to do an easier workout and took an inclined walk on the treadmill.  There were no meat heads in far end of the gym.  No one really at the gym at all.  For the longest time, I kept pace with an old guy on a bike behind me.

But then, a man and his son came in.  I knew them.  I knew them well but they don't know just how well I know them.  They have a son who passed away from Cystic Fibrosis a little while ago, he would have been Spencer's age now.  They have a younger son who also has CF.  I knew his wife and mother in law back when my kids were being diagnosed.…