Calling it quits life!  I'm done!

I realize life is not meant to be easy.  I realize that we are here to be tested but seriously...there comes a point when enough is enough; a point when the trials are no longer becomes nothing more than just mustering up a little more shear grit to get through one more day.  It's about how long you can hang on the end of the proverbial rope by the tips of your broken and chewed off fingernails!
That's all.  That's all my life is about.  I'm to the point where I no longer expect anything good to come out of my existence here anymore.  There is no spark of hope to muster up.  No faith.  No inspiring thoughts.  No clever adage.  No pulling up your boot straps...the big girl panties are too big and keep falling down really...I'm done.

Here's my white flag.

In case you're wondering...I had a little reckoning moment with God too. It wasn't pretty.  There was a lot of ugly crying going on.  Even my Wasband who came over in the heat of the moment was shaking his head in dismay at "ONE MORE THING" gone wrong for us.

Tuesday, Shelbie's camera broke in the middle of a photo shoot.  The shutter failed.  She had three photo shoots planned for Tuesday.  It takes 3-4 weeks and $500 or more to fix a shutter.  We raced into the nearest city, bought a $2200 camera and raced home.  I bought a $2200 camera.  I had that much left before my only credit card is officially maxed out.  She will pay me back but it sucks.  For both of us.  She cried half the day over the camera and the fact she couldn't pay for it herself.

Wednesday, she had her transfusion.  The nurse wanted to see the wall treatment we did in Spencer's room so I took her upstairs.  I noticed that Sam's bedroom carpet and the hall looked filthy.  I made a note to remind Sam to take his boots off when he comes home from work.

When Sam got home from digging a grave at the cemetery, he asked what happened to his carpet?  I said, "I was going to ask you the same thing?"
"It's soaked.  It squishes when you walk on it."

I raced upstairs and sure enough, water everywhere!  Not just water.  The vinyl was curled up so I pulled it back and there was mold everywhere!  4" up on the baseboards, the toe kick of the vanity and the vinyl was squishy with water underneath.

I cleaned up the surface water, and sprayed the visible areas of mold with bleach and spent 45 minutes scrubbing the walls and mold but then I realized it was just a bigger issue than cleaning.  I don't know how no one noticed this problem sooner!  It's obviously been leaking for a while.  Makes sense since my kitchen lights keep shorting out and the kitchen is below the bathroom.

Mold and all the floor is wet and swollen with water. 

More mold and wet 4" up the vanity

Sam and I worked our little hearts out to take out the toilet, remove the marble countertop, without breaking it, and then dismantle the vanity. 
It was so disheartening.  After work last night, came home and had to spend another 2.5 hours vacuuming up more water that had surfaced on the carpet and I was so mad and freaked out about the mold and just couldn't stop cleaning!

Part of me wonders just how much hype surrounds mold and what the real facts are.  I have three kids with lung disease so  it's not like I can take any chances. I worried that I was being irrational by pulling it all out but I think I did the right thing.  Plus...It's been smelling so bad upstairs lately, but now I know why.

After I finally calmed my head down sometime after midnight...I made a better plan.  I think I can do most of the work myself.  I took it all apart, how hard can it be to put it back together and I've laid flooring before and I have now pulled a toilet and I know how to set a toilet...well, I've helped set a toilet about 20 years ago so it's like riding a bike right?  I think I know where it's leaking and I'm sure I can replace those connections easy enough.

I have a few builders I know who I draw plans for on occasion so I am going to try and trade some work to get a new subfloor installed.  I spoke to one this morning and he even offered me some extra tile pieces he has.  I think I can carefully cut the base of the vanity and I think I'll add some legs to the corners so it is open underneath and looks like a piece of furniture.  That way, I think I can reuse it.  Thankfully, we didn't break the marble counter top so we can reuse that.

Shelbie had weird reactions last night to the infusion.  Monday, out of the blue, I got a call from a Pulmonologist in Utah who wants to see Shelbie next week.  I guess our Oncologist really wanted her to be seen and so he made the referral but forget to mention it to me.  It's fine really.  She does need to be seen again since breathing is more of a struggle than it use it be.  We will have just a week or two break and then a mass amount of appointments filling up the entire last two weeks of July.

I've never asked 'why me' and I don't plan to anytime soon.  I do wish I understood why we can't seem to catch a break.  It's exhausting.



  1. I can only say one thing GAH!!! sorry. If I can help in any way, let me know!


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