Skip to main content

This means war

It has been a hard week but for some reason, yesterday was about the hardest day. I felt like I was going to 'snap' all day.  It was as if every single person I have ever associated with needed something from me.  My phone was going non stop, the kids needed me, and a project I offered to 'help' out with and thought it would be an hour, turned into 8 hours.  Needless to say, I am terribly behind and feel thin as I spread myself across all the needs to fill.

We are three days into the diet and it is going okay but it is definitely far from better.  The truth is nothing is really going to help.  It only becomes the difference between horrid pain and significant pain and discomfort.

Last night, I could feel a major breakdown coming.  It has just been too much for too long.  I don't understand what is happening to my kids.  We were fine one minute and not the next...or so it seems.

But...then I remembered that each step we take, each trial we get through has prepared us and taught us for the next big thing around the bend.  We are at the next bend.  It's time to apply what we have already learned.

In a sense, we are embarking on a battle.  This situation is a war of the mind.  A war between hope and despair.  A war between faith and fear. I don't want all our past trials and learning to be for naught.  I want to be more graceful and submissive as we enter this stage that seems so impossible to survive.

Just like the battleground, we can only guess at where the next hit is coming.  We can only estimate the mind of the enemy.  The disease is the enemy but part of the problem is also trying to understand the commands from the General- God.  I try to see what he is doing with his walking wounded (us) but then it seems everything I thought was going to happen doesn't.  It's human nature to want to plan for the future.  In war, everything is in question. In war, there are no promised tomorrows.  Nothing is as it should be and the twists and turns can make no sense at all.  Time is spent in course correcting...constantly.  That is hard work for the mind.

In battle, you have to be on guard.  You have to take a step, wait, watch, listen and hope some directions come through.  When they don't, and night falls and you are all alone on the battle field, you take another step and hope and pray like crazy you survive the hidden land mines.

Since Spencer returned from his mission, his plan was to got to LDS Business College in Utah and get a job at a car dealership that his Mission President owns.  That was a great plan but nothing was working out to that extent.

The high school lost his transcript not once but three times.  One time, they sent it to the wrong school.  He had problems getting leaders to co operate in getting his endorsement interviews done in time.   Then...let's not forget he has spent the majority of the past two weeks in the hospital!

Yesterday, was the school deadline and by 5 pm, he had not heard if he had been accepted, in fact, they said it would take them 4 weeks to decide if he could even be accepted but, school starts on the 14th.  And...student housing is completely full and he has not been able to find housing alternatives.

Yesterday was also the date planned to have the job interview- it was suppose to be just a formality.  Well, they said they didn't have a place for him as a salesman.  They said they would have to meet to see where they could put him.

Still...Spencer had hope.  Still...I had least everything I told Spencer was full of hope.  I told him to wait upon the Lord.  To trust that a plan will unfold and he will see the next step to take.  I told him not to think too far into the future.   I told him to just carry on, doing the needful thing.

My inside voice however...felt strongly that this plan to move out of State was not what he should do since he is so sick.  I felt like he needed the rest of this year to resolve some of these physical issues.  After all...he is down to 114 pounds!  Nevertheless...I was anxious to see what  exactly Heavenly Father had in store for Spencer.

There is this constant pull, from panic to peace and back to panic.  It is truly a war to keep your mind from going to dark places where there is only one lone survivor. my mind, I was sure he wouldn't be leaving.

Last night, at 10pm, he texted me an exciting message that he was accepted to school!

And so goes the war in my what?

I don't know how this kid is going to go to school...with our without a job!  I don't know how he will have the energy to do both.  I don't know how he will manage to cook a special diet of food for himself.  I don't know how he will keep up on eating every two hours.

I have no idea what the Lord is doing with us!  It's a  crazy feeling to be tossed about, completely unsure of anything.  It's a war.

I want to be positive and hopeful.  I want to trust that my kids are going to make it through this rough patch...that I will make it through...but there are moments when I can't....even....breathe.  And today, I am remembering when the trial was so much easier.



Popular posts from this blog

Some Results

I was surprised to get a brief update from our doctor this morning.

They did not catch any seizure activity last week.  She said that while that may be good news, it didn't rule out deep structure seizures.   I asked if the test gave any insight to the cause of the slowing of activity in her brain and these were her words.

" No, this does not give an answer ... But it is just one test, done one time ..."

We are still waiting on the MRI results.  I'm not losing hope.  I know, I play this game ALL THE TIME...I wish for problems that no one in their right mind would wish for.  I only do that because it's usually the option with a fix.  Of all the things they are considering to be an issue for Shelbie, seizures are the simplest explanation and medication would manage it.

I'm certain we aren't going to find a solution to her problems any time soon.  While I sat in the waiting room during her 2 hour MRI last Thursday, there was a couple in the room as well.  A…

Random Saturday

Whenever I feel like we are careening out of control, I declutter and clean.  By midnight on Friday, I had 1/3 of my living room filled with stuff I didn't want.  Today, I made a couple of trips to the thrift store and the dump.

Ahhh, I feel like I lost 20 pounds.

When Sam came home after his first week at school a while back, he said, "Wow, my room looks the same."

"What did you think your room would look like?"  I asked.


Turkey!  He came home this morning with his laundry and was a bit despaired.  He said, "Mom, you gotta help me with the smell in my apartment!  I can't stand it anymore! Do we have any Ozium?"

He went on to explain that there is no garbage disposal in the kitchen sink but food gets crammed down there anyways.  He said he keeps putting the little metal drains in that are meant to catch bits of food but his roommates take them out.  He's about fed up.  And while he was on his rant about boys and their leve…

A Witness

I was expecting just another run of the mill night at the gym last night.  The kind where the 'meat heads' stay at their end of the gym grunting and groaning to sound strong and I would claim a little corner in the room where the Yogi's hang out and Plank, and there I would Spin on a bike for a few miles, do some rowing, a little TRX and finish up with some free weights.

Last night though, I actually decided to do an easier workout and took an inclined walk on the treadmill.  There were no meat heads in far end of the gym.  No one really at the gym at all.  For the longest time, I kept pace with an old guy on a bike behind me.

But then, a man and his son came in.  I knew them.  I knew them well but they don't know just how well I know them.  They have a son who passed away from Cystic Fibrosis a little while ago, he would have been Spencer's age now.  They have a younger son who also has CF.  I knew his wife and mother in law back when my kids were being diagnosed.…