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Spencer's Home

Spencer came home tonight, in fact, he just barely walked in the door.  He is getting some last minute homework done so I am sneaking in a post.

It's been an emotional couple of days.

He came home because he is meeting with the Pulmonologist tomorrow to get his pulmonary function test results and chest x-rays.  I think I have been traumatized by pulmonology visits this year and that might have something to do with my slight unraveling.   It's never been good news and considering they had to put Spencer on oxygen just to finish the test, makes me even more nervous.

We are also meeting with another doctor to discuss the possibility of diabetes and to get a referral to a motility specialist. So, it's going to be a long, hard day tomorrow.

When I start feeling like this, I just wonder to myself...Why don't I just quit?  Quit taking them to find out what is wrong.  Why not just let them live and whatever happens, happens?

For me, it comes back to my quest in without regret.  I couldn't sleep at night if I was always wondering if I did enough.  Maybe I am doing too much.  I always tell my kids that whenever they want to stop going to doctors, I will support that.  So far, they have hope that there will be something to bring them a little better quality of life.  They seem to do okay with least better than me at times.

Right now, I am in my office typing this but I can hear the three kids laughing and catching up with each other.  They are happy!  They are so happy!  I am here, fighting the tears because it's just so hard and so incongruent.  I really don't want to hear the doctor say he has Pulmonary AVM's or Pulmonary Fibrosis.  Tonight feels a little like the climb to the top of a roller coaster just before the drop.  The drop when your stomach crams into your throat.  The drop when you all of a sudden decide that you really don't like roller coasters and you want off now!

Ahhh, this too shall pass.  When it's all said and done, I'm so glad he's home, even it if is only until tomorrow at 5.



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