Temper Tantrums

Wouldn't you love to be a little kid again just for the mere fact that you can throw yourself on the ground and flail around, kick your feet, whine and cry and then your mom comes and picks you up and puts you in time out?  Kids have no idea how lucky they are!

I would give anything to have a full blown temper tantrum complete with kicking and screaming but that might seem a little weird at my age to act like that and it would most certainly freak my kids out.  It might even get me a trip to the mental hospital which really, now that I think about it, might not be that bad...ya know, maybe not.  A nice white jacket with extra long sleeves and silver buckles...it's coming back in style.

There comes a point in the life of chronic illness that it just becomes old and frustrating.  School is driving me crazy!  Second to that are ignorant people.

First let's talk about school.  It's really hard when the kids miss so many days, to keep everyone on task and caught up, especially when teachers kind of drag their feet too.  It's hard some days to even feel the importance of an education when it's another day of sickness and discouragement.  It's extremely challenging to keep the kids positive about school when their health is crumbling before their eyes.  They feel overwhelmed because they never get ahead.  It's hard for me to keep a balance between towing the line and feeling sorry for them.  I have my critics but I do the best I can.

This trimester for Spencer has been horrible!!  The missed days out number the good days.  He has really struggled to get caught up and to keep a good attitude about it all.  I'm afraid that I am so tired with my own little struggles that I haven't pushed him like maybe I should have.  His GPA is .75...sad. So, now I don't know what to do.  The biggest part of me wants to move him to home bound status but he's had a couple of really good weeks so what if I do that, and he has a couple of really good months...then I feel like a bad mother because he will be sitting at home, perfectly capable of going to school.  I can send him to the alternative school where they collect 'packets' and work at home at their own pace.  We've tried this before but Spencer has lacked initiative to maintain an independent study schedule and I don't have the energy to ride him about it.  Finally, I say just drop out and take the GED until you pass it and call it day!  There is no easy answer and I am lost.  I just want someone to tell me what to do, I can't make one more decision.  Spencer is to the point where doesn't want to go to school anymore period!  That will only result in regrets down the road.

It's really easy for people to be critical about the way I have raised my kids.  It's starting to really get to me though.  I've pretty much been beaten down this week with people telling me I have 'spoiled' my kids, coddled them, not allowed them to experience any difficulties or challenges in life and when they are grown ups, they won't know how to deal with hardships and my favorite, I have taught them to be quitters and take no responsibility in life.   Those are some harsh words and they haven't settled too well my somewhat fragile self esteem lately.  In fact, I'm just going to say it...it downright sucks!

I want to tell them they have no idea what this feels like.  Maybe they are right.  Maybe, I really have screwed my kids up and all I have are three irresponsible kids.

I wish I could tell them how it feels but when I try to find the words to express how tired, frustrated and lost I feel in this battle of chronic illness, I can't even find the words to say.  I am speechless and it's probably not worth my energy to defend myself as a parent.  It's not like anyone ever prepared me for extenuating circumstances like this.  

So, until I can find my voice, and words to come close to describing how I feel, I will just have my little temper tantrum in my head, all the while wishing I was 5 again.