One Week

It's been one weird week.  A full week that Spencer and Ashtin have been married.  It's been a hard adjustment. No daily calls or catching up.  It has helped a little that Spencer had some work this past week.  He called once in between sets, just to say hello.   I miss our visits. 

A few years ago, I had the privilege of attending the Museum of Modern Art in New York.  I had no idea what to expect; the museum was never on my bucket list of places I should visit.  Many, many people mingled and meandered through each room and hall.  I turned around the corner of a wall that divided a large room and there, on the narrow partition, by itself, unassuming in size, Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh. 

 

Slack jawed, I stood there in utter amazement at such an amazing work of art. I looked around as the rest of the crowd wandered about, hardly noticing the work of a master.  I wanted to shout and exclaim for people to stop and notice the beauty in this original work of art. I wanted to tell them all about the life of Van Gogh and what this painting really meant.  It felt as though I was the only one in the room with eyes to see and a heart to appreciate this moment.  I really felt like tapping the guy next to me and ask..."Did you see this??!!"

My point is, this week has felt much like that afternoon in the Museum of Modern Art, standing alone with the most amazing work of art and no one stopping to notice.  I never thought I would ever be seated to watch the marriage of one of my own children.   As I sat in that ceremony last week, beside my Wasband, I was filled with more sorrow than I was expecting.  Marriage is a sacred union, never to be discarded but there I sat, discarded.  I felt embarrassed for my kids that their parents had blown the one thing that really matters in life.  I felt shame and I felt alone. 

Mixed in with all of this, were feelings of exclamation.  I wanted to tell everyone there and not there, what this really meant, the depth, the breadth, the details in every moment that led to this one big day.   I wanted and wished that my family would be there with me, but it was never meant to be.  I sat alone.   I realized that so much of life's experiences are done alone.  Even surrounded by people, the same moment holds a million permutations of meaning. 

It's a little overwhelming to see it all at once.  So, this week, I have had to spend a lot of time...alone, just trying to process it all.  Figure out where I go from here and how I fit into Spencer's life.  I feel like all my time in this life is spent trying to figure out where I fit. 

I have kept busy and I'm very grateful for all the work I have.  We are slowly adjusting to the upheavals of life with a pandemic, riots, weddings...all the things.  

This week, all the kids have Neurology appointments via Zoom and guess who is not showing up for that?   Spencer will be on his own with Ashtin.  Sam will do his own call, with or without Cass and Shelbie will figure her's out all by herself.  It's a big step for me.  It's like a giant step...huge.  Really big.   

Sam's been having a hard time with his weekly transfusions.  He wants to quit.  He keeps asking me to make the decision for him and I keep throwing it back to him.   I don't know what he will decide but this week is his chance to talk it out with the doctor.   So, big things await this week.  Never a dull moment for us.  I am actually quite certain I wouldn't know what to do with dull.