Holding on
I've had a lot on my mind but I have been swamped, buried in work, church responsibilities, helping others, etc. etc. I'm the communication specialist for my ward/church and it's been busy with how fast things are changing from day to day. It takes me about 2 hours every day in writing and coming up with posts, so that's a huge chunk of time, but I enjoy it. I think it makes a difference to people. The blog went from about 75 views a months to now almost 600 in just three weeks!
Needless to say, it's a busy time. Thankfully, work is hanging in there. I have several projects underway and I did get a new client this week so I am hoping it will carry me through until life improves. The thought of surviving another recession makes me shudder. I am dreading ever living like that again. I can't do it. I can't think about it. Ugh.
I think my last post I mentioned about the basement flooding. This week's adventure was the overhead garage door breaking apart when Sam left for work on Monday at 4:15 am. The door was half open with one side falling down. The tracks were bent badly out of shape and part of the wire that coils on each side had snapped. I was so worried about leaving the door open and going back to bed so I stayed out there, cleaning, swearing, crying, basically, having a small-ish melt down until about 7 am and then went in and started my work for the day, by the front window so I could make sure nothing got stolen. Thankfully, I found a company to come out and it was fixed by noon.
For the most part, we are doing okay. We have our moments. It's been very difficult trying to keep our emotions regulated. The kids are all very nervous about this virus and they should be. We have been self isolating for just over a week now. Sam still has to work. Spencer has lost most of his work so he and his girlfriend came up on Monday to stay for the week. Basically, I'm the only one allowed to leave for any reason, other than Sam to go to and from work.
I'm conflicted about this whole ordeal. We have lived our whole life being careful and cautious about the sick people around us but this has become next level kind of worry. We are now on a 21 day lock down but then what? What happens when the 21 days are over and theoretically, life returns to normal? The COVID 19 virus will still be here. It's here to stay. Somehow, we have to figure out how to live without fear and I really don't know how to approach that quite yet.
The other problem is the continuing shortage of plasma. Now with most of the country on activity restrictions, people aren't considering the issue of donating blood or plasma. We have been suffering a plasma shortage for just over a year so this virus situation is definitely complicating an already difficult situation. They have been rationing treatment for the sickest and thankfully, we have not been rationed yet...for good or for bad. I guess that's technically a bad thing that my kids are too sick to be considered people that can live without it. So, I worry a little about that safety net.
I realized today just how thin I am spread, emotionally and physically and how this whole situation really is taking a toll on me. I spend all my days being the shock absorber around here, trying to set a tone of hope in my house. The University of Utah has cancelled all of our appointments for the foreseeable future and that makes me angrier than I thought I was. They keep hounding me to fill out the paper work for the Undiagnosed Disease Network and I refuse to fill it out. I have absolutely no desire to keep collecting diseases. They can't even manage the diseases they know my kids have. I feel like it is an agenda that serves them, not us but I can't be sure of that. It just makes no sense why they are asking about it constantly!
Today, I got an email, a Mychart message and a phone call! I finally called the social worker back. She started out asking about how we are handling the virus and what concerns we had. I told her some of my concerns and how difficult I feel it's going to be to not be scared to engage in a normal sort of life after isolation is done. I also told her I was irritated with the hospital that the only thing they can think about is COVID yet all our other problems haven't magically disappeared but we can't even be seen for the ongoing problems. The boys' heart didn't just suddenly improve because there's a fatal virus circulating. Shelbie still has a low grade fever going on three weeks now. She still wheezes and struggles but apparently all that matters is the Coronavirus.
Then we got into the whole Undiagnosed Disease Network and why I'm not co operating and by now, I'm so angry but started crying instead, so then the social worker thinks I'm a mental case. Now, she thinks I'm not stable. Then it was pressuring me to contact a psychologist. "You need to talk to someone about this. You have too many problems right now for one person to handle." REALLY? You don't say! I politely declined an appointment to talk to someone about this. She wanted to know how I was going to figure things out? I have no clue, I have never had a clue, we just do the best we can and leave as much as we can in God's hands.
So, it's been a bit of an exhausting day. Moving forward is going to require a whole new level of faith that I feel very unprepared for. I guess we all have to learn to move ahead without fear of what could be. For us, it feels much more devastating. I guess it goes back to the post about fresh courage. We are all just tired. We've been at this for so long and we are just tired. That's life.
Needless to say, it's a busy time. Thankfully, work is hanging in there. I have several projects underway and I did get a new client this week so I am hoping it will carry me through until life improves. The thought of surviving another recession makes me shudder. I am dreading ever living like that again. I can't do it. I can't think about it. Ugh.
I think my last post I mentioned about the basement flooding. This week's adventure was the overhead garage door breaking apart when Sam left for work on Monday at 4:15 am. The door was half open with one side falling down. The tracks were bent badly out of shape and part of the wire that coils on each side had snapped. I was so worried about leaving the door open and going back to bed so I stayed out there, cleaning, swearing, crying, basically, having a small-ish melt down until about 7 am and then went in and started my work for the day, by the front window so I could make sure nothing got stolen. Thankfully, I found a company to come out and it was fixed by noon.
For the most part, we are doing okay. We have our moments. It's been very difficult trying to keep our emotions regulated. The kids are all very nervous about this virus and they should be. We have been self isolating for just over a week now. Sam still has to work. Spencer has lost most of his work so he and his girlfriend came up on Monday to stay for the week. Basically, I'm the only one allowed to leave for any reason, other than Sam to go to and from work.
I'm conflicted about this whole ordeal. We have lived our whole life being careful and cautious about the sick people around us but this has become next level kind of worry. We are now on a 21 day lock down but then what? What happens when the 21 days are over and theoretically, life returns to normal? The COVID 19 virus will still be here. It's here to stay. Somehow, we have to figure out how to live without fear and I really don't know how to approach that quite yet.
The other problem is the continuing shortage of plasma. Now with most of the country on activity restrictions, people aren't considering the issue of donating blood or plasma. We have been suffering a plasma shortage for just over a year so this virus situation is definitely complicating an already difficult situation. They have been rationing treatment for the sickest and thankfully, we have not been rationed yet...for good or for bad. I guess that's technically a bad thing that my kids are too sick to be considered people that can live without it. So, I worry a little about that safety net.
I realized today just how thin I am spread, emotionally and physically and how this whole situation really is taking a toll on me. I spend all my days being the shock absorber around here, trying to set a tone of hope in my house. The University of Utah has cancelled all of our appointments for the foreseeable future and that makes me angrier than I thought I was. They keep hounding me to fill out the paper work for the Undiagnosed Disease Network and I refuse to fill it out. I have absolutely no desire to keep collecting diseases. They can't even manage the diseases they know my kids have. I feel like it is an agenda that serves them, not us but I can't be sure of that. It just makes no sense why they are asking about it constantly!
Today, I got an email, a Mychart message and a phone call! I finally called the social worker back. She started out asking about how we are handling the virus and what concerns we had. I told her some of my concerns and how difficult I feel it's going to be to not be scared to engage in a normal sort of life after isolation is done. I also told her I was irritated with the hospital that the only thing they can think about is COVID yet all our other problems haven't magically disappeared but we can't even be seen for the ongoing problems. The boys' heart didn't just suddenly improve because there's a fatal virus circulating. Shelbie still has a low grade fever going on three weeks now. She still wheezes and struggles but apparently all that matters is the Coronavirus.
Then we got into the whole Undiagnosed Disease Network and why I'm not co operating and by now, I'm so angry but started crying instead, so then the social worker thinks I'm a mental case. Now, she thinks I'm not stable. Then it was pressuring me to contact a psychologist. "You need to talk to someone about this. You have too many problems right now for one person to handle." REALLY? You don't say! I politely declined an appointment to talk to someone about this. She wanted to know how I was going to figure things out? I have no clue, I have never had a clue, we just do the best we can and leave as much as we can in God's hands.
So, it's been a bit of an exhausting day. Moving forward is going to require a whole new level of faith that I feel very unprepared for. I guess we all have to learn to move ahead without fear of what could be. For us, it feels much more devastating. I guess it goes back to the post about fresh courage. We are all just tired. We've been at this for so long and we are just tired. That's life.
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