Fresh Courage
Today has been a particularly difficult day. I mean, every day has it's mental challenges but today has been rough. As a single mom, I feel the weight of my responsibility to care for my family and the people around me. I feel a strain that has been hard to describe.
This week, our appointments in Salt Lake were all canceled but I'm not sure if I mentioned that I had told Spencer's girlfriend that I would do all the flowers for her sister's wedding this Friday. So, my original plan was to be at the hospital for Monday and Tuesday, bring Shelbie home Tuesday, turn around and go back to spend the night in Salt Lake and then drive out to the wedding location to put together some 36 bouquets, boutonnieres and corsages, today. Even when the hospital stuff was canceled I was making plans to leave Tuesday night and stay out by the airport in a cheap hotel so I wouldn't have to leave so early this morning.
Well, things transpired quickly yesterday afternoon and the wedding was postponed because of the virus restrictions. I felt somewhat relieved to not have to travel to Salt Lake but at the same time, disappointed that I wouldn't be able to see Spencer. He's been sick and pretty down about life and a little nervous which is to be expected. I had a box a food and medication for him and a whole lot of love to leave him.
Early this morning, I was alerted to the fact that there was a major earthquake in Magna, UT which is out by the Salt Lake Airport. Spencer was staying at his girlfriend's family home last night which is out just past the airport. I texted him immediately and he responded immediately. Other than being quite scared and shaken up, he was fine. Everyone was fine. I was fine but a flood of gratitude and horror came over me. I could have easily been staying in the epicenter when the earthquake hit. That was always my plan! I knew immediately that it was a tender mercy I wasn't there. I know for a fact that if I had been alone in a hotel during an earthquake of that magnitude, I would have been done for. I would have checked myself into a mental hospital and I mean that in all seriousness. It would have been the very last straw.
Sometimes, I have wondered, on many occasions if God even knows I'm still here, still struggling to be a gracious host to my overwhelming life. Today, I didn't have the feeling. Without a doubt, he knows me in an intimate and sacred way. He knew I wouldn't be able to handle a situation such as that. Most of the area lost power, water pipes broke, highways were closed in and out of the airport. I would have been stuck there, alone, in more chaos than I already experience with COVID19.
Today, I've tried to figure out how to eliminate some underlying angst I feel or at least try to understand why my faith feels so shaky. Maybe it's not faith. Maybe it's my stamina.
I have had to be strong and courageous for so long. I have had to live, the way most people are just learning to live. There has always been an underlying fear of overwhelming infections that would come to my kids and take them from me. The level of fear and uncertainty most people are just now experiencing has been my everyday and you would never know it. I wore it well. I tried to wear it well. Most parents of chronically ill children have no choice but to wear their weariness well; to put on a brave front and be the shock absorber for the difficult times in the illness.
Now, with the virus and earthquakes, my flooded basement, it's not just the usual fears I face everyday but compounded fear, piled on my already tired courage and faith. I was exhausted from trying to be strong for so long and now this.
I refuse to sink. I am trying to allow myself the moments of weakness and worry. I am working hard to remain strong and lengthen my strides of faith. Self regulation of emotion is not an easy task.
So, here's to fresh courage! Here's to marching on in the face of struggle. Here's to keeping it real.
This week, our appointments in Salt Lake were all canceled but I'm not sure if I mentioned that I had told Spencer's girlfriend that I would do all the flowers for her sister's wedding this Friday. So, my original plan was to be at the hospital for Monday and Tuesday, bring Shelbie home Tuesday, turn around and go back to spend the night in Salt Lake and then drive out to the wedding location to put together some 36 bouquets, boutonnieres and corsages, today. Even when the hospital stuff was canceled I was making plans to leave Tuesday night and stay out by the airport in a cheap hotel so I wouldn't have to leave so early this morning.
Well, things transpired quickly yesterday afternoon and the wedding was postponed because of the virus restrictions. I felt somewhat relieved to not have to travel to Salt Lake but at the same time, disappointed that I wouldn't be able to see Spencer. He's been sick and pretty down about life and a little nervous which is to be expected. I had a box a food and medication for him and a whole lot of love to leave him.
Early this morning, I was alerted to the fact that there was a major earthquake in Magna, UT which is out by the Salt Lake Airport. Spencer was staying at his girlfriend's family home last night which is out just past the airport. I texted him immediately and he responded immediately. Other than being quite scared and shaken up, he was fine. Everyone was fine. I was fine but a flood of gratitude and horror came over me. I could have easily been staying in the epicenter when the earthquake hit. That was always my plan! I knew immediately that it was a tender mercy I wasn't there. I know for a fact that if I had been alone in a hotel during an earthquake of that magnitude, I would have been done for. I would have checked myself into a mental hospital and I mean that in all seriousness. It would have been the very last straw.
Sometimes, I have wondered, on many occasions if God even knows I'm still here, still struggling to be a gracious host to my overwhelming life. Today, I didn't have the feeling. Without a doubt, he knows me in an intimate and sacred way. He knew I wouldn't be able to handle a situation such as that. Most of the area lost power, water pipes broke, highways were closed in and out of the airport. I would have been stuck there, alone, in more chaos than I already experience with COVID19.
Today, I've tried to figure out how to eliminate some underlying angst I feel or at least try to understand why my faith feels so shaky. Maybe it's not faith. Maybe it's my stamina.
I have had to be strong and courageous for so long. I have had to live, the way most people are just learning to live. There has always been an underlying fear of overwhelming infections that would come to my kids and take them from me. The level of fear and uncertainty most people are just now experiencing has been my everyday and you would never know it. I wore it well. I tried to wear it well. Most parents of chronically ill children have no choice but to wear their weariness well; to put on a brave front and be the shock absorber for the difficult times in the illness.
Now, with the virus and earthquakes, my flooded basement, it's not just the usual fears I face everyday but compounded fear, piled on my already tired courage and faith. I was exhausted from trying to be strong for so long and now this.
I refuse to sink. I am trying to allow myself the moments of weakness and worry. I am working hard to remain strong and lengthen my strides of faith. Self regulation of emotion is not an easy task.
So, here's to fresh courage! Here's to marching on in the face of struggle. Here's to keeping it real.
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