Enduring...Moving On

Last night, while Sam and his girlfriend built a blanket fort for his little sister, (my Wasband's little 5 year old who I babysit on occasion...and she calls me Kat...I know, it seems weird but I try to be a peacemaker so my kids can build strong roots with her and she's adorable...so it's a win!)   I went through my old drafts folder from all the things I've written that never made it to the blog.

 This is a journal entry from a year ago that I archived but somehow it still fits.

"I could endure, but I could not move on." She wrote.

This, from a girl whose entire family died in a carbon monoxide accident while she was serving a mission for our church. She doesn't write often on her blog anymore but this struck me as feeling familiar. 

Am I in the same place?

It's hard to see any progress in the day to day.  I like to think I'm going somewhere but I also think I often sit on a throne of lies and denial.  Enduring implies a positive thing; to bear with patience, maybe even a joyful thing?  I think I'm just holding on...for dear life, I guess you could say.

I don't like this place.  Everyday feels like waiting for the next crisis to hit.  Everyday feels like I'm holding my breath, just biding my time til I can go to bed and try to forget the angst.

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It is still relevant and current today.   In fact, last week, I was contemplating how to get out of this funk that I have been in for over a year now!  I literally do nothing but take care of my family and work like a crazy person.  I no longer come expect anything different but struggle.  I know that answers to prayers come, but never in the way I expect or think I need.  It has made me question what I’m doing wrong with my life. I don’t think I have a bad attitude, just worn out.

I didn't really come up with any good answers on getting unstuck.  I am trying to do little things to change my focus from holding my breath until the next horrific thing, to taking a breath with one new and small thing that helps change my focus.  The past few days, I've gotten back to some of the books I was reading and trying to finish several months ago. . I miss learning about things other than Medical research. That’s been a good change.
 

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