Steadiness

In my scripture study this morning, I was struck by the word Steadiness.  

That word has so many meanings as I thought about it more...

Steadiness.

  • Stable
  • Even
  • Constant
  • Resolute
  • Unwavering
  • Undeviating
Wouldn't life be so much better if we could master the art of steadiness?  

It's a word that I can relate to this week. Those steady, 60 bpm I loved last week have not been seen again in Sam.  His heartbeat is all over the place and continues to get higher and higher with the least amount of exertion.  We are seeing up to 160 bpm now in just a slow walk from the living room to the kitchen and in my shoe box of a house, that's about 10 steps.  

I like to imagine myself never wavering in my thoughts and actions, especially when the kids get sick, when we prepare for more hard things, when we face things I can't imagine ever recovering from.   It's almost a distant dream to ever think that I could face a trial and be steady, stable, constant, resolute, unwavering and undeviating from knowing that my Father in Heaven will take care of it all, no matter what, regardless of the outcome.  He proves Himself to be steady and unwavering time and time again; I've learned this over the last half a century.  Yet, I have not quite settled in this steady space.  I continually doubt, question and waver. 

Today, I had to go through the checklist for Shelbie's testing on Friday.  I completely forgot, from 6 months ago when our Neurology team set up the appointment, that she has go off all of her medications this week.  That is going to be a problem.  A few of them make her so sick if she misses a dose.  They are aware of this but it's the way it has to be.  When anything gets off with her system, she ends up with more seizures and more sickness that will take us another month to recover from.

Again, I never realized until this year, just how important it is to keep the kids' in optimum health, any deviation creates an unstable situation.

I think the weight of this word today was meant to be.  I am dreading Friday even more than I dreaded the pacemaker.   I already have a bad feeling that the complexity and difficulty of this test that Shelbie has to go through could send her into seizures or stop her heart altogether, just like it did to Spencer last October.  I am having some serious PTSD over this but my goal is to be steady, in all things.  (Note to self...when they ask me to wait in the waiting room, I'm going to stay put this time, instead of insisting I go in to watch.  That was a big mistake and had I known Spencer was literally going to die in front of me, I would have chosen not to watch that.  Oh well, live and learn. )

I know, it's a big jump for me to be steady as opposed to wavering from one minute to the next but I'm going to give it the ol' college try!  What do I have to lose?

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