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I have my doubts if I will ever recover from this week.  I sure hope so but it isn't looking good right now.  I can't say for sure what made this week any harder than the hard things we have been through in the past.  In fact, it really pales in comparison to other events we have faced like Sam's Intussusception surgery he had when he was in 5th grade that took him down for more than 3 months, or Spencer's Encephalitis that left him unresponsive for a couple of weeks and then very sick for two months.  This week was nothing compared to the twice weekly trips we made to Boise when Shelbie's platelets would drop to 1.  The list goes on of things we have endured and bounced right back from.

For some reason, this feels as hard or harder, yet I'm not sure that it is, in reality.  Perhaps its because I was already exhausted going into the week.  Maybe it's because we have not had a single break in the action since January of 2016.  It could be that it is becoming so much harder to work and take care of my kids and that is weighing heavily on an already heavy situation.

I came home to Sam who is sick again!  I won't be at all surprised if he has pneumonia by Monday. His financial aid is screwed up and my Wasband wasn't able to take the time to sort that out while I was gone, so I have to solve that mystery sooner than later. Sam's already failing one class despite his best efforts.  He's missed just over a week of school since January.  He has to see the oncologist the week after next for two days and probably the immunologist so we can try to get this kid healthy.  He looks horrible.  When I saw him, my heart sunk!  His eyes are heavy with dark circles under them and he was flushed and almost too weak to walk up the stairs to his room.

Spencer has been in a funk for weeks!  Every day, I tell him how worried I am about him.  I kind of think he is depressed but he swears up and down he isn't.  The only time I see my old Spencer is when I sign him up to help me with a service project.  I have read many articles about depression after major health events, specifically heart events.  We haven't really talked about how his heart stopping affected him.  He kept saying he didn't care, even making jokes about it but now I'm wondering if he is suffering a little PTSD from that.  This past year has shaken his world and he had to quit every thing he had set out to do because of major health problems.  We are like a bulldozer...we just keep pushing on, burying the problems, running over them...regardless of the cost.

Shelbie has not improved.  She tries to convince herself that she is doing better but it's a struggle.  She wanted to keep her two photo shoots yesterday and she did.  She asked her friend to come over and help and I was so grateful for that.  Shelbie had another issue with her co-ordination and hands and was so confused.  She thought she was doing a newborn shoot so she had everything set up for that.  A 5 year old boy showed up.  She still didn't clue in that she was taking his picture.  They stood there until the mom said something.  This is not like Shelbie at all.  I don't understand what is happening to her.  This morning, she is really sick so she had to cancel her two shoots today.  

The reality of our difficult situation is taking its toll.  I am becoming increasingly worried about how I can make a living while supporting three adult children who have hopes and dreams and want to succeed in life but just can't right now.  Up until now, they have been able to work enough to cover their expenses and even help out a bit with the family budget, but they can't do as much as they use to anymore.  Even working jobs I can do from home are becoming difficult because my time is spent on medical stuff and then work and then sleep. I'm plain worn out.  I fear that Shelbie will lose her clients because she is sick all the time.  It brings her so much joy and she has a gift.  I can't have three kids too sick to do anything purposeful in life...can I?  That just opens a whole new world of challenges.

She won't advertise this, but she entered a photography contest three weeks ago.  There were nearly 400,000 entries!  There are twelve rounds and the winner gets $10,000.  (I think)  None of the photos are marked with the photographer's name so voting is strictly on the merits of the photo, not by who has the most friends who rack up votes.  She hasn't asked anyone to go to the website and scroll through and vote for her.  So, any vote she is getting comes from complete and total strangers all over North America.  She has made it to round 5 and 300,000 photos have been cut!  She is in the top 100,000 which to me, is impressive for a self taught, 24 year old girl who built this business on shear willpower and prayer. She has received 100 "Favorite" votes from strangers and that is incredible to me.  People who loved her picture so much, they wanted to keep it at the top of the list.  Whether she wins or not, makes no difference she has already found her place in the world of amazing family photographers.

I know we have been in this same sort of hard spot before and I know we won't remain stuck here forever but's no fun!



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