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The Dull Chatter is the Loudest Voice

One thing I have learned in my gathering of wholeness, is that the dull chatter that loops in my head is more often than not, the loudest voice I hear.

That is not always, if ever, a good thing.

In my obsession of keeping my head straight, I have a Canon of sorts.

A Canon of goodness that I can turn to when I need to change the soundtrack of what can be a discouraging life.

Below, are some of my favorites from my personal Canon of inspiration.

"If there were a referee to whom I could cry foul, how would I answer if asked: What of the good life you were given? You didn't question being blessed with the wife and family you've loved and enjoyed. You never asked “why” with your good fortune; why do you suddenly find voice to question this event? The truth, of course, is that the good things in our lives are accepted as givens and remain unquestioned. We take notice, and question, only when events hurt or frighten us." David Malham- NY Times Op/Ed on grief

"What if our lives were only precious up to a point?  What if we held them loosely and understood that there were no guarantees? So, that when you get sick, you weren't in a stage but a process?  And cancer was a process, just like having your heart broken or getting a new job or becoming a teacher?  What if rather than being cast out and defined by some terminal category, you were defined as someone in the middle of a transformation that could deepen your soul, open your heart and all the while even if and particularly when you were dying, you would be supported by and be a part of a community?  And what if each of these things were what we are waiting for?"  Eve Ensler

"Knowing God consists of many experiences acquired over a lifetime.  A slow motion epiphany."  Deepak Chopra

"Life was never meant to be easy.  It has to be hard because Salvation is not a cheap experience.  If we are going to be disciples, we have to have something to show for it.  We have to have evidence of our devotion to Him.  We have to have evidence that we desire to be like Him.  Christ chose to retain the wounds in His hands and feet and side so they could be the symbols of His messianic.  Everything else about him is perfect.  His wounds are evidence that there is sacrifice involved in serving the Lord.  They are there to remind us that it takes suffering, heartache, anquish and pain to become like him.  There is no other way.  Throughout our lives, we have to have times where we cry in our own personal Garden of Gethsemane.  We have to have times in our life where we take a step or two towards Calvary.  If you are going to be his disciple, how dare you ask, how dare you not even go close to a fraction of the cup he drank.  How dare you ask to never go close to the tears He shed and the pain he felt.  There is suffering for the Saints!"  Jeffrey Holland.

"Nothing could be more specific than to be told that if you ask, you will receive.  The Holy Spirit will answer every specific problem as long as you believe that problems are specific."  A course in miracles

"What to us is a sad story is God's sanctifying project deserving his closest attention and highest forces.  He is a God of lasting miracles.  Since hurry could ruin everything, God waits until the project is finished while we wonder at His slow pace.  The silence of God is just as important as the still small voice."  Wayne Brickey

"Be joyful though you have considered all the facts." Wendell Berry

I could go on and on though I'm sure you don't have all day to continue here.  This week, we are moving forward with our Cardiology appointment in Salt Lake, provided all the doctor's involved did their assigned part and insurance doesn't change their mind at the last minute.  This will be for all three kids.  Will we end up scheduling heart surgery for Sam and Shelbie?  Can it be fixed at all?  Are they candidates for the recoiling procedure to stop some of the holes in their lungs?  Does Spencer have pulmonary fibrosis or pulmonary arteriorvenous malformations...or both?  More questions than answers.

I usually have an agenda of what I am expecting to happen but the truth is, I'm tired of agendas.  I'm tired of hoping and being disappointed and though that may sound like a discouraging sentence, I just really want to let things unfold in God's way. There are times when I am tired of driving this disease.  This is one of those times.



  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. It is just what I needed to hear/read--partly for me, but mostly to help andear, dear friend who is in the depths of despair physically and emotionally right now. Thank you for following the Spirit and posting these things.


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