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I just didn't know

What a week.   What a very long and painful week that is nothing more than distant and small in the rear view mirror of life, yet huge as I continue to struggle with my new found problems. Lupus.  Addison's Disease.  Kidney that order.

This afternoon and evening has been the hardest so far.  Still not getting very far on passing this kidney stone.  Today it's been a lot of nausea, vomiting tonight, pain and feeling so very crummy.  I don't deal well with feeling crummy when it goes on for more than 2 or 3 days.  I've gone from taking one daily medication to 8.  I hate taking pills.  I hate the side effects.  I especially hate that my body has betrayed me.  I hate that I can't have just one thing to deal with.  I hate that having three major problems makes me feel crazy because all the symptoms are overlapping and it's overwhelming to think that I may never feel better.  I hate that I haven't even been able to get any rest.  I still have to work through all of this.  I still have to be a mom.  I still have sick kids!  None of that magically goes away just because I don't feel good and whine all the time!

I'm sure things will improve eventually, but right now, all I see are the trees and no forest!

Which brings me to my next point...

Funny how you just don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore.  Like your health.  Like the sun shining. Like hands that aren't in pain and bend the way God intended them to. You don't notice the way you bounce from one task to the next until doing that is more like pushing through mud.  You don't notice how little sleep you were getting until you find yourself needing to sleep all time.  You get the picture.

At the same time, I didn't know how much the events of this week could make me feel so blessed and grateful.

My thoughts are consumed with Alisa, my friend.  It's not like we knew each other forever.  It's not like we ever spoke to each other.  I never took her a meal.  I never sent her a card.  I only met her once!  Once.  We were in Seattle at the same time, different hospitals.  I met her for all of 10 minutes but it was profound. It was a reverent and Holy moment.  We shared a journey of learning and growing through trials of faith.  It's a connection I can't explain.  A connection that was surely a tender mercy for me. And now she's gone and I couldn't go to her funeral.  I couldn't indulge in one more helping of her amazing spirit. I didn't know how much she affected me until now.

I feel blessed that maybe all this dis-ease is here to teach me something about all the things I didn't know needed to change in my life.  I need to figure out how to work smarter, not harder.   I need to spend more time with my kids.  I need to manage stress better.  I need to take better care of myself.  I need to slow down.  I need to be kinder to myself.  I need to do more to help others feel less of their own dis-ease.  I need to spend more time in the places that really matter.

I guess, in all of this.  It's better to know.  It's good to know what you didn't know.



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