Skip to main content

I just didn't know

What a week.   What a very long and painful week that is nothing more than distant and small in the rear view mirror of life, yet huge as I continue to struggle with my new found problems. Lupus.  Addison's Disease.  Kidney stones...in that order.

This afternoon and evening has been the hardest so far.  Still not getting very far on passing this kidney stone.  Today it's been a lot of nausea, vomiting tonight, pain and feeling so very crummy.  I don't deal well with feeling crummy when it goes on for more than 2 or 3 days.  I've gone from taking one daily medication to 8.  I hate taking pills.  I hate the side effects.  I especially hate that my body has betrayed me.  I hate that I can't have just one thing to deal with.  I hate that having three major problems makes me feel crazy because all the symptoms are overlapping and it's overwhelming to think that I may never feel better.  I hate that I haven't even been able to get any rest.  I still have to work through all of this.  I still have to be a mom.  I still have sick kids!  None of that magically goes away just because I don't feel good and whine all the time!

I'm sure things will improve eventually, but right now, all I see are the trees and no forest!

Which brings me to my next point...

Funny how you just don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore.  Like your health.  Like the sun shining. Like hands that aren't in pain and bend the way God intended them to. You don't notice the way you bounce from one task to the next until doing that is more like pushing through mud.  You don't notice how little sleep you were getting until you find yourself needing to sleep all time.  You get the picture.

At the same time, I didn't know how much the events of this week could make me feel so blessed and grateful.

My thoughts are consumed with Alisa, my friend.  It's not like we knew each other forever.  It's not like we ever spoke to each other.  I never took her a meal.  I never sent her a card.  I only met her once!  Once.  We were in Seattle at the same time, different hospitals.  I met her for all of 10 minutes but it was profound. It was a reverent and Holy moment.  We shared a journey of learning and growing through trials of faith.  It's a connection I can't explain.  A connection that was surely a tender mercy for me. And now she's gone and I couldn't go to her funeral.  I couldn't indulge in one more helping of her amazing spirit. I didn't know how much she affected me until now.

I feel blessed that maybe all this dis-ease is here to teach me something about all the things I didn't know needed to change in my life.  I need to figure out how to work smarter, not harder.   I need to spend more time with my kids.  I need to manage stress better.  I need to take better care of myself.  I need to slow down.  I need to be kinder to myself.  I need to do more to help others feel less of their own dis-ease.  I need to spend more time in the places that really matter.

I guess, in all of this.  It's better to know.  It's good to know what you didn't know.

Photobucket

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Some Results

I was surprised to get a brief update from our doctor this morning.

They did not catch any seizure activity last week.  She said that while that may be good news, it didn't rule out deep structure seizures.   I asked if the test gave any insight to the cause of the slowing of activity in her brain and these were her words.

" No, this does not give an answer ... But it is just one test, done one time ..."

We are still waiting on the MRI results.  I'm not losing hope.  I know, I play this game ALL THE TIME...I wish for problems that no one in their right mind would wish for.  I only do that because it's usually the option with a fix.  Of all the things they are considering to be an issue for Shelbie, seizures are the simplest explanation and medication would manage it.

I'm certain we aren't going to find a solution to her problems any time soon.  While I sat in the waiting room during her 2 hour MRI last Thursday, there was a couple in the room as well.  A…

Random Saturday

Whenever I feel like we are careening out of control, I declutter and clean.  By midnight on Friday, I had 1/3 of my living room filled with stuff I didn't want.  Today, I made a couple of trips to the thrift store and the dump.

Ahhh, I feel like I lost 20 pounds.

When Sam came home after his first week at school a while back, he said, "Wow, my room looks the same."

"What did you think your room would look like?"  I asked.

"Clean."

Turkey!  He came home this morning with his laundry and was a bit despaired.  He said, "Mom, you gotta help me with the smell in my apartment!  I can't stand it anymore! Do we have any Ozium?"

He went on to explain that there is no garbage disposal in the kitchen sink but food gets crammed down there anyways.  He said he keeps putting the little metal drains in that are meant to catch bits of food but his roommates take them out.  He's about fed up.  And while he was on his rant about boys and their leve…

A Witness

I was expecting just another run of the mill night at the gym last night.  The kind where the 'meat heads' stay at their end of the gym grunting and groaning to sound strong and I would claim a little corner in the room where the Yogi's hang out and Plank, and there I would Spin on a bike for a few miles, do some rowing, a little TRX and finish up with some free weights.

Last night though, I actually decided to do an easier workout and took an inclined walk on the treadmill.  There were no meat heads in far end of the gym.  No one really at the gym at all.  For the longest time, I kept pace with an old guy on a bike behind me.

But then, a man and his son came in.  I knew them.  I knew them well but they don't know just how well I know them.  They have a son who passed away from Cystic Fibrosis a little while ago, he would have been Spencer's age now.  They have a younger son who also has CF.  I knew his wife and mother in law back when my kids were being diagnosed.…