Plot Twist

 Shelbie survived her first treatment last week and is preparing for the next one on Monday.  

The thing about hope...it's obligatory.  No matter what your experience with hope, you keep signing up for it.  I'm not saying that's bad...but it is a curious thing.  

So, we had high hopes that it would go well.  It went alright, at least the actual infusion that lasted nearly 5 hours.   The aftermath is where our hope was dashed.  The side effects were pretty miserable for a solid 4 days.  Almost two weeks later, there are still lingering side effects, some that we understand may never go away and that is discouraging to dwell on for too long. 

In other news...Shelbie is moving out!  I know.  It's a bizarre turn of events one that I accidentally started.  

Over the years, I've had a fair share of people criticize me at length that I love my kids too much...coddle them...do too much for them...too involved with them.  More recently, the daily question has been...Isn't Shelbie upset she doesn't get to move on with her life like the boys?  

That question has always rubbed me the wrong way... As if anyone knows how you have or have not moved on. 

Anyways, all this line of fire I've been under, made me pause and ask Shelbie why she stays; why she doesn't try to make moving out work because anything is possible.  Her answer scared me. 

"I can't move out because who would take care of you?"  It was like a dagger to my heart. I never want to be responsible for someone living small. 

So, we embarked on a social experiment.  One that will more than likely prove to be earth shattering, at least for awhile.  She found a temporary roommate, for about 5 months, rented an apartment and is on her way December 14th.   She is not happy with me, at least in some ways, but since her answer was what it was, she has no choice but to move out, for awhile, anyways, to prove that I can survive without her.  

It's also been a good lesson in perspective.  The more we talk about this, the more I see how much my divorce and personal health problems have changed her.  She says that for 15 years, she has felt like she had to keep us together, the four us. In reality, she really does nothing to take care of me, but it's how she feels. 

Honestly, it's such a weird concept...On what planet do you tell people they love each other too much?  This planet.  It will make a lot of people happy when they hear I have come to my senses and let her loose.  If I had a dollar for every time someone told me my kids and I are too close...I would be in early retirement...5 years ago.  It's a preposterous notion.  It makes me so mad to keep thinking about it. 

Anyways...so, that's where things are at.  I am going to have to buy a car.  She will take over what's left on my car.  The deal is, I will let her drive in town only, but any farther she will need to ask me for a ride.  Her seizures have been well controlled the past 6 months and she has come to know her own boundaries much better, and will not drive on her bad days. Clearly, I will still see her plenty.  Her studio is still here and she will be coming home to work.  I hope this helps her see she can be independent of me and find some greater purpose and meaning in her life. If she chooses to move home at any point, especially if it just isn't working with her health issues then at least she had the experience. 

And of course...now all the people who felt they had a right to criticize me for loving too much, now have an opinion about this...Don't you think this is bad timing?  That's never going to work?  Kind of an expensive social experiment don't you think? Why would you do this to her?

Ya can't win.  

If it so happens that this is her new best fit for life, then I am going to look at downsizing and getting out of here.  There's nothing keeping me tethered to this place but my kids.  I'm starting to hate the neighborhood and feeling smothered in other ways, so a change might be good.  We'll see. 

2020 has been such an interesting year for me.  A pivotal one.  The one where maybe I park a bunch of baggage at the curb and walk away...start a new life with better boundaries, new experiences, dump the people who are no good for me anymore.