The Gap Plan

 I'm sure if you are a person who buys into insurance, you'll be familiar with a gap plan.   It is the supplemental plan that covers what the main plan doesn't.  

Earlier this year, I was listening to a Podcast by Brene Brown and she talked about how important it is for families to have a Gap Plan...a plan when things start to fall apart. A plan when you are just too tired to be the mother you should be, or spouse, or kid, or whatever your role is.  

If ever there was a time for a Gap plan, 2020 is it.  Nothing about this year has been easy or normal.  At the same time, 2020 has been a year for learning.  Learning how to pivot, side step and get out of the way. 

Back to the Gap Plan.  We pulled together a loose outline for how we behave when things are falling apart.  It goes something like this. 

• Use your words
• No Sarcasm
• Speak your truth
• Move your body
• Accept an apology with Thank you
• Set your boundary with love   

Use your words- Anger seems to be everyone's go to emotion when the chips are down.  The underlying cause of nearly all anger is fear.  When anyone is having a hard time, myself included we remind each other to use words rather than slamming doors, or sarcastic responses.  We have to remind ourselves that we do not excel at mind reading so if you are worried, anxious, scared, mad...whatever it is, open your mouth and use your words to say what is on your mind. 

No Sarcasm- We excel at sarcasm as a family!  It's almost second nature but it can be sharp and hurtful when tensions are high.  So, that's why we included this rule in our Gap Plan. 

Speak your truth- Even when we use our words, we tend to skirt around the issue and make excuses.  Somewhere under all that is a truth we are often afraid to speak.  My kids hate it when I grill them for the truth.  It takes a little work but eventually they crack and then the work and resolve can start. 

Move your body- We've been suffering with a lot of anxiety this year.  Everyone has struggled from time to time.  Moving helps us get unstuck from the loop of worry.  We take a lot of walks, even if it means we leave the house at 11:30 pm.  It helps a lot to move. 

Accept an apology- I stole this from Brene Brown.  It makes a big difference to respond to an apology with , 'Thank you,' rather than 'It's okay.'  It's not okay if being honest is what we are striving for. 

Set your boundary with love-  Somehow, we all ended up being people pleasers.  It's not bad to be a people pleaser but it's also not good if it comes at the price of sabotaging your own mental health.  We are learning to let each other know what we can and can't do, either as part of our responsibilities or self care we require.   It's been really hard but at the same time, really good.  It's especially been hard for me lately when I haven't felt good enough to take Shelbie to some of the places she wants to go.  It's hard to say No, but the Gap Plan has really helped provide a good framework for us tired souls. 

I think this has saved us this year.  Things can get upended quickly if we aren't careful. It's also been a really good tool for Sam to practice since he will be getting married soon enough.