It's been awhile since I stopped by here...it's been a while since I wrote anything, anywhere!

 I remember doing this in 2007 when Shelbie started her 9 months of chemotherapy; I retreated to my own little world.  That entire year went un-mentioned on the blog or any journal I own.  It sucked the life out of me.  Now I regret that I didn't write about that year.  It would have ended with us surviving one of the scariest years of my life.

I'm sure this year will be much the same, we will survive.  That's what we do. Survive.  Like a wave of trouble, we are swallowed up but it doesn't take long to surface again, we bob to the top, gasp for oxygen, sputter out the bitter, salty taste, straighten our shoulders, check to make sure we can touch the bottom and swim on.

Honestly, I've been hesitant to write because my feelings are still so mixed up and they swing like a pendulum from being completely numb to totally overwhelmed.  My post following the last one, I wanted to be happy, upbeat...'We Got This' kind of thing but I couldn't figure out how to do that with any degree of honesty so I just scrapped the idea of writing altogether.

I know some may find this hard to believe but the girl who stays up till all hours of the night researching medical issues, hasn't cracked a page on the World Wide Web since that last Friday in May.  I haven't scheduled one appointment I was asked to schedule.  I haven't made any attempt to contact Seattle and get the kids' appointments there.

Mostly, I have just tried to get through each day, trying to keep this family from toppling.  Mostly me, I guess. The kids are handling things way better than me.  Spencer still has no idea what he is facing.  Sam doesn't understand most of it and that's actually a blessing.  There have been a few days that I cringed at the sound of "Hey mom." or "Mom"...I just sort of looked at them blankly, wishing and hoping they weren't going to demand anything of me...no snacks, no meals, no support.  I couldn't muster one little thing.

I have to find some energy some where to get back on track.  I have to get these appointments scheduled.  AND....I believe we have run into a glitch with Shelbie...She has what they think is a Glomus Tumor on her finger.  We are following up on that with a team of doctors, literally 8-9 doctors in one office on the 26th of June!  It's so rare, the Dermatologist wants several specialties to look at it and come to a treatment plan together so she arranged all that for us.  It's pretty amazing really.  She had a cortisone shot two weeks ago to see if that would help with the pain but no such luck.

The dreaded H-Pylori is back for Shelbie!!!  Ugh...The treatment was so terrible and obviously didn't work the first time so it's anyone's guess what they can do now to treat it.  It could get serious quickly so we really need to figure this out.  Given her very poor immune system, I feel like we are up against the ropes.

There is one thing I have appreciated about the past two weeks...Not writing or talking to anyone has really given me a sacred space to work some things out with God.  To come to some understanding, to see how the past has prepared us for this and more still to come.  I have had to rely solely on prayer and pondering to get through some really hard moments.   We are blessed, without a doubt, we are blessed.  We are watched over and feel the presence of angels in our life.  All of that is a welcome contrast to the harshness and loneliness lessons of mortality brings.  I have also come to a much better understanding of the whole line upon line principle.

How short sighted of me to think this diagnosis would be better than what we thought we had...Life is about line, upon line...one experience builds and prepares us for the next.  The next one will be built upon the last one, lifting us higher toward Heaven. We will use our new tools with each new lesson and add even more tools to our coping box of life.  For some reason, I forgot this...I was thinking it was line MINUS a line...that since we have been at this chronic illness thing for so long, whatever the news was, we would easily manage because we were Veterans.  Nope, we have a lot more growing to go so it's line upon line...in some ways, that is a very unsettling thought...in others, it brings Peace that we can actually do this.



  1. You are such a beautiful writer and I relate to so much of this post. I know what it is to retreat, only I wish I could say I've used mine to connect with God. In some ways, I wonder how much of my retreat is just a blankness in my mind and a numbness as I carry on with the day to day. I know I don't have the same hard things going down that you do, but I know how it is to feel overwhelmed and to just keep swimming. Thanks for posting when you do--I don't look at blogs as often as I once did, but truly, your blog has been a huge help for me through these past three years. I sure appreciate you taking the time and energy to share. Hang in there--you are doing an awesome job.


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