Under, Over, and Around...
Today, I made some progress! Yay for me. I have just felt so mired down with life lately and as hard as I try to not let the kids see my frustration and fatigue, they are smart kids. They too are feeling a little squashed by life.
I realized that I have been trying to steer the river. Trying to control all these events that I have no control over. I have tried to sneak under the problems, crawl over the problems, skip around the problems, just about everything but face the problems.
I am an avid blog hopper. I read all sorts of blogs from all sorts of people going through all kinds of things; some happy, some sad. I have noticed a common thread in all of us and I include myself in this observation. We start off in the trial all excited to prove how strong we can be. We are full of energy and ready to take on the challenges. Time wears on and erodes some of the 'can-do' attitude. If things don't turn around in a respectable amount of time or the problems mount and double then it's almost unbearable and finding any joy at all in the journey becomes nothing more than wishful thinking. Then, all at once, something happens and the whole situation changes for the better and hope returns and happiness prevails and everything is good once again and we can smile.
So, my progress today is more of a revelation than it is anything else. One of those Ah-ha moments. I really need to find that hope, that bright, relief of hope when the bad events turn good, that humbling gratitude but find it even when everything seems hopeless. I keep waiting for brighter days, for good things to come our way so I can be 'happy' again but maybe, this IS the best it's going to get for us. After all, the kids are chronically sick. That means there is no cure and things are not going to magically disappear and one day they will wake up healed. I have tried really hard to feel that unburdened feeling today despite some rotten things going on. Surprisingly, I am not feeling defeated. Tired, but not defeated. I am in fact feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude and blessings from God.
Spencer made it not even three blocks towards the school this morning and ended up pulling over to get sick. He came home white as a sheet and dizzy as all get out. I had a big and stressful day planned and was on the verge of freaking out when I decided to keep myself in the 'hope' zone. I bedded him down, and wished him well then carried on with the needful things. I just faced the problem, did what I could then moved on. It was so hard to call the school to tell them once again that Spencer wouldn't be there due to illness. Every time I call, I just sense that they are starting to think I'm making this up. I dread it! This time, I told her and when she paused for some explanation or promise that it would not happen again, I just hung up. I can't change that my son is sick right now and I can't invest my energy in school either. No amount of whining or complaining is going to restore his health and they can threaten me with all sorts of loss of credit and whatever other policy we are breaking but it's just not the most important thing in my life right now. That felt really good to give myself permission not to care about the school.
I'm not promising that this new found attitude is the new me but for today, it felt good. It takes so much energy to stay in the zone but worth it at the end of the day!
I realized that I have been trying to steer the river. Trying to control all these events that I have no control over. I have tried to sneak under the problems, crawl over the problems, skip around the problems, just about everything but face the problems.
I am an avid blog hopper. I read all sorts of blogs from all sorts of people going through all kinds of things; some happy, some sad. I have noticed a common thread in all of us and I include myself in this observation. We start off in the trial all excited to prove how strong we can be. We are full of energy and ready to take on the challenges. Time wears on and erodes some of the 'can-do' attitude. If things don't turn around in a respectable amount of time or the problems mount and double then it's almost unbearable and finding any joy at all in the journey becomes nothing more than wishful thinking. Then, all at once, something happens and the whole situation changes for the better and hope returns and happiness prevails and everything is good once again and we can smile.
So, my progress today is more of a revelation than it is anything else. One of those Ah-ha moments. I really need to find that hope, that bright, relief of hope when the bad events turn good, that humbling gratitude but find it even when everything seems hopeless. I keep waiting for brighter days, for good things to come our way so I can be 'happy' again but maybe, this IS the best it's going to get for us. After all, the kids are chronically sick. That means there is no cure and things are not going to magically disappear and one day they will wake up healed. I have tried really hard to feel that unburdened feeling today despite some rotten things going on. Surprisingly, I am not feeling defeated. Tired, but not defeated. I am in fact feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude and blessings from God.
Spencer made it not even three blocks towards the school this morning and ended up pulling over to get sick. He came home white as a sheet and dizzy as all get out. I had a big and stressful day planned and was on the verge of freaking out when I decided to keep myself in the 'hope' zone. I bedded him down, and wished him well then carried on with the needful things. I just faced the problem, did what I could then moved on. It was so hard to call the school to tell them once again that Spencer wouldn't be there due to illness. Every time I call, I just sense that they are starting to think I'm making this up. I dread it! This time, I told her and when she paused for some explanation or promise that it would not happen again, I just hung up. I can't change that my son is sick right now and I can't invest my energy in school either. No amount of whining or complaining is going to restore his health and they can threaten me with all sorts of loss of credit and whatever other policy we are breaking but it's just not the most important thing in my life right now. That felt really good to give myself permission not to care about the school.
I'm not promising that this new found attitude is the new me but for today, it felt good. It takes so much energy to stay in the zone but worth it at the end of the day!
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