New Year, New Me

 Is that what they say?  New Year, new me?  

This was a picture I posted on FB with the caption...Me carrying my hopes and dreams into 2021. Turns out I wasn't wrong!  Though once again, the humor of it was lost on my people.  Might be time to get new people. 

I'm not the type to detail out my life with lofty goals.  I love a good new year to take the time to consider what needs to change, where I could improve things, but nothing is set in stone.  Honestly, I have been somewhere between extremely tired, to the bone kind of tired a slightly depressed but I have been desperately trying to figure out how to make some positive changes in my life.

I'm going on week three, or is it 4, of being sick.  I had the bad head cold I fought all through the week leading up to Christmas.  Just a couple of days after Christmas, I started getting this excruciating pain in my left hip.  Excruciating is not an exaggeration.  It even hurt to have clothes touching my skin.  I would take Advil, Tylenol, an arsenal of supplements and there was no relief to be found.  Just before New Years, we drove to Provo to spend an evening taking care of Spencer and Ashtin's new puppy.  Ashtin's sister got married and the puppy can't go more than a couple of hours without having to be taken out and all their friends were unavailable, so we all headed down for an impromptu service project.   It was actually a nice little break...but the pain got even worse. 

Long story short, Tuesday night, I spiked a fever and a rash showed up on my hip...Shingles!  Holy cow.  Did I ever under estimate the power of Shingles to take out an unsuspecting person.  They should change the name to better reflect the nerve burning, 40 year old dormant virus just waiting to pounce, to better reflect the mayhem that it is.  I am so sick!  I don't remember being this sick, ever!  

Wednesday night it landed me in the hospital and that was so many levels of trauma.  Along with the unmanageable pain due to an additional autoimmune storm with my Lupus and Ankylosing Spondylitis, I realized that life is no fun alone.   Shelbie is sick but she was the only one I could get ahold of to take me.   Of course, no one was allowed to go in with me and waiting for an eternity to get a bed, standing in a corner, shaking in pain and trying not to cry but finding it really hard to even breathe was epic.  

The IV meds were helpful and a few hours later, I was tracking down a ride back home.  Sam and Cass were able to come and get me. 

It's been really hard.  I'm not one to be down for very long, if at all.  My doctor got after me for not managing my stress...that can be a post for another day.   I have felt myself struggling to keep up for the past 6 months at least.  I think now that I am running out of people to take care of,  my body knew it could fall apart and it fell hard.  

I'm into this a solid two weeks and there is no end in sight. I've lost 11 pounds.  Still fight a fever and nearly constant nausea.  I haven't slept for more than two hours at a time in the night and even napping during the day is hard.  The more I stand up to move, the worse the pain.  The rash that very much resembles chicken pox, on top of chicken pox is now from my shoulder, down my back and around my hip, almost to my stomach.  Every day, I get a new rash. 

My phone rings off the hook with clients and people needing my help and I have tried really hard to not answer or schedule but it's just not my forte so I'm working from my bed, the best I can...plus, if I'm not working, I'm not going to be able to pay my bills.  The circle of stress. 

 Tonight, in another desperate move, I did a foot bath to clean out the toxins from my body!  It's disgusting but I'm willing to try anything that might help.  

So, where does this year go from here?  I am definitely at a crossroads.  I have to do some serious soul searching.  I feel super defeated and extremely worn out.