Faith and Will

I have more time than I need, these days, to be frustrated and irritated and just plain weary and tired. 

When I can't think straight enough to work anymore, while sitting in this stale hospital room, I think about miracles and faith...and God's will.

From healing the blind, to raising the dead, Christ healed them and with each miraculous healing, he made a point to remind them that it was their faith that made them whole again.  Christ could calm a storm, walk on water, transform water into wine, feed thousands with a few measly loaves of bread and fish and wither a tree in the blink of an eye.  Over and over, he took his disciples, more than anyone else, on an adventure of faith. 

If you read about the miracles in order of how he performed them, you can see a pattern that applies to life with us today.  From the moment of birth, we embark on a journey of transformation, like the water to wine miracle, the first miracle Christ performed.  Though the process is much more tedious in us, it's miraculous all the same, if we endure the discomfort of it all. Throughout life, we feel the swells of our personal storms, scarcity of resources- food, money.  We experience disease and the slow death of our spirit and faith, at times.  We too know what it's like to be blind, unable to see what is next. 

What I find interesting, is never once, that I can find recorded, did Christ sit the recipient of the miracle down prior and say, "Your faith can make you whole but only if it's God's will."  I may be wrong, maybe he did do this, but it certainly isn't the first implied message from the scriptures...Faith comes first in all of the miracles Christ performed.

A few times, we can read when Christ begged and pleaded with God on behalf of the people in a request for special blessings, but even still, the lesson of God's Will was between him and his Father and included no one else, least of all the miracle receivers.  It's almost as if the lack of this lesson in tandem with the miracles, for the disciples, was by divine design.  It wasn't until the final day of Christ's life, that the lesson of God's will was taught, and taught in the most, striking, brutal, heart wrenching way in the beautiful Garden of Gethsemane. There, in that peaceful, solitary garden, Christ questioned the plan but of course, with all the perfect grace that only Christ has.

I wonder if Mary, ever privately questioned why Christ could heal and transform everyone else with mighty miracles, yet none were reserved for her own Son.  Clearly, she was above us all to be trusted, chosen, set apart and divine, in order to be the mother of Christ, but I know the plan too...the same plan Mary knew.

I have been chosen and set apart to take care of my children as well.   Though I may be lacking in divinity, I know the plan all the same.  Despite this knowledge and all my efforts of faith...the Will of God requires a different kind of understanding.  I'm just now feeling that. In my religious beliefs, we throw the words- 'if it be Thy will', around like all you need is to the utter the words and by some miracle...you surrender and, like the ease and brevity, which the people saw water become wine...we are transformed and on board with some higher plan, that at a distant day, will make more sense than our own plan and our own understanding for our life.

BUT 

It is not that easy.  It is not easy at all.  I think it may even be the loneliest, most difficult principle to learn and accept.  And as is customary for Christ to teach with established patterns from days gone by, this may be the last and great battle in our test of mortality just as it was Christ's last and final battle.  Faith is nothing compared to the surrender that can be required of us.  I'm guessing when I figure this out, I'm outta here!

It's not that I don't believe that God's will for me is better than any plan I could come up with, the problem is, it can make no earthly sense whatsoever and that is exhausting and perplexing and that is what is hard- to just sit in the middle of this higher plan and 'be okay' with it all. It's a completely foreign dialect of faith...There's a learning curve and intensity to Will that grows with faith experiences.

At any rate...we are struggling.  Shelbie has given up.  I think the thing keeping her in the hospital as much as anything physical is the fact she has lost her will to keep fighting.  I have seen her discouraged but I think that could officially be classified as despair now. 

The pain is now the hardest part and until that is manageable, we can't go home.  I will say over and over that our family docs are the best.  We see the two who are partners and they are equally good.  They are so patient and understanding that Shelbie has such a complex situation. 

Tonight, we saw Dr. G.  He took the time to go over all of the tests that have been done in Utah over the past year and compared the scans done this week, with what was done even 6 weeks ago.  Both of our doctors and the hospitalist seem to agree that the problem now, could be that because of all the inflammation and swelling in the meninges and the infection, the already large lymph nodes along her spine, aorta, lungs and everywhere else are also reacting and putting even more pressure on her spinal cord.  So, while the infection is managed, now we have this secondary problem. 

Her IV infiltrated this afternoon so they pulled it and we are going to go without for a bit and see what happens when we just do all the meds orally.  He also added some new medications in hopes of cutting down the swelling even more and lower down the spine.  The MRI actually shows her neck and thoracic spine to be compressing.  I went back through other scans she had in Utah and her spine was perfectly fine...so it's complicated and confusing.

So, maybe tomorrow we can go home if the new medications work better...of course, it's it's God's will.


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