Count it all joy

Wow, what a week!  Just another really weird week.   Last night, I took a few minutes before going to bed to read from a book I have by Joel Osteen, Everyday A Friday.  He talked about how everything we experience here in life really is for our good.  I believe that.  I also believe that some days, it's easier to see how good the bad things are and sometimes, it's not until you get a little farther down the road when you can look back and see things with a little more clarity.  I don't think there is anything wrong with looking back.  There is a lot to learn, it shapes us and changes us.  It's good for us.

Today is a day of looking back sort of.  I have been involved in some contentious things with my ex husband over the past 6 months which I haven't really talked about which sort of explains how hard the past year has been.  Nothing aggravates me more than contention and to be accused of things I just can't see.  Today, I make my final trip to the Attorney's to sign some papers that will put the contention and anger to bed, at least in theory.

In doing so, I can't help but look back at what I've learned.  I have learned that we like to think of life in terms of winners and losers.  I'm not sure what today is going to be.  Depending on which side you consider, he is walking away the winner, he got what he wanted, completed what he set out to do.  I gave in and even gave more than he expected though again, I'm sure he doesn't see it this way; I know he doesn't see it this way...but since he is not the author of my life....I'll continue.

I guess, if he's the winner then that makes me the loser!  In a lot of ways, I am the loser. I have always considered myself a loser. This morning already, I lost my part time job.  Signing these papers in just a couple of hours means I will lose another huge chunk of change and inherit some new bills.  The week has been full of doctors telling me we are losing at this game of chronic illness, and among all this, I think I'm losing my mind too!  (That's for another post)

But today, after my early morning meditation, I am going to count it all joy.  I am going to live today with intention.  I am going to have faith in the currency of Heaven and God's economy.  I am going to consider myself to be a winner today.  My kids and I have been happy this week!  I know, that just sounds plain crazy but I can't even describe to you how hard we laughed yesterday!  We laughed last night.  We have laughed a lot this week.  I have three beautiful and wonderful kids and I have the best job in the world; being their mom!

I have not been a perfect mom or even a happy mom all the time.  My kids know my flaws, the things I failed at in marriage but they know I keep trying to be better every day and they give me the benefit of the doubt.  As I walk out of that attorney's office today, I know I will probably spend a few minutes sitting in a dead end alley somewhere, my head in my hands, having a good cry but maybe it won't be because I'm a loser.  I am sad for the past, I am sad for my kids, I am sad for my ex husband and I will be sad for me but there will be a deep reverence for the God I love, the Father I have in Heaven who I just know is going to take care us...and even though there are some people who never will forgive me for my flaws and mistakes, HE will and that makes me, a winner!

 

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Comments

  1. Do NOT let him make you feel like a loser, it's probably what he wants. He's the loser for letting a great woman like you go! wish I could make things better, sorry you've had a rough time.

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  2. You are such a winner to me--I really look up to you and your amazing resiliance. I really am looking forward to meeting you, too. You are a great mother and I am so impressed by how you keep going through years and years of trials.

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