A little Faith and a lot of Prayer

This week as been a gem.  A real gem.

I will readily admit that I could have handled things differently maybe but then again, maybe my reactions to the much different written bone marrow biopsy report than the verbal one was warranted.  I don't like surprises.  I don't even really like good surprises.

I guess the good thing is, I only allowed myself to be upset for a few hours, not a few days.  I haven't hid myself away in the back of the closet in the fetal position crying over the news nor have I spent endless hours in my pajamas eating cream puffs and bon bons. (Well, I did discover Lindor truffles and now I have a hoarding addiction to them, but it's not the same as depression, its not.  They do take away the sting of this mess when the dark chocolate outside is soft from the heat and the inside is melty goodness, then you just bite a tiny whole in the outer part and let the melted inside run slowly down your throat, bathing every taste bud in a healing balm of premium dark chocolate....hmmm, mmm anyways...)

Anyways, I'm over it.  Kind of.  The worst part of all this is that my kids aren't 5 year old, computer illiterate beings anymore.  They are grown and they are smart and they want to be proactive.  They want to know the details of their bone marrow biopsy reports.  The problem is, I don't want to tell them.  I didn't want to tell them.  What's wrong with telling them everything is fine? They don't need to worry, they have a life to live.  I would rather hold all the pain and worry for them.  Ahh, the life of a mother who thinks she can save the world or at least her kids.

Spencer had some 'body work' done yesterday by a Rolfer.  A Rolfer does a deep, deep massage of the fascia which is the connective parts of the joints.  His Rolfer, Blaine is incredibly smart and has this 'sense' about people's body through the stress he feels in their joints and strangely enough, I knew him when my kids were tiny, I went to him for some Rolfins sessions but then he got cancer and I never saw him again. Well, he resurfaced in Spencer's life, long story and now Spencer hires him to come to the house and Rolf him.

About 4 months ago, Blaine told Spencer that he felt he had a major infection.  Spencer had just received some bad blood counts where his white cells were abnormally high and his monocytes were flagged high as well.  Spencer told him his counts were off and Blaine said, "Ya, I can feel that, your body is losing the fight just in case you were wondering."  We brushed it off and left it at that.  It's interesting that Spencer's bone marrow and the left shift confirms that Spencer is indeed losing a battle with an infection somewhere in his body.  Now we have to find it and we have a very short time to do this.  Blaine told Spencer a few more things yesterday which made Spencer question a lot of the bone marrow results.  Strangely, Blaine was right on about Spencer's body!! What a gift this guy has and funny he's back in our life.

We had a good talk and I came clean with Spence but not in an alarming way, still sort of sugar coating things.  It didn't really work.  Spencer is fearful that his mission will be put on hold or he won't even be able to go.  I assured him that he will go and he will be okay.  We have to have faith and we have to pray, pray fervently that things will work out.  Then Spencer said the thing I hate more than anything else in the world, "Well, I bet I know what happens.  I bet I will serve my mission then come home and my body will be so worn out, I will die."
"NO, no,no, it's not going to happen that way, things will be fine! This is just a hiccup, a test of our faith."

We can't afford to go there.  We have to stay in this moment no matter how uncomfortable this moment is.

Last night was emotionally hard.  I had to work really hard to keep from going to a place of worry and despair.  Shelbie is breaking down too.  She is worried about the boys and the fact that their marrow is much rougher shape than hers.  It's really hard!!! This week is just really hard.  I am trying with every fiber of energy I have left to keep everyone in a good place but it's hard.

Thankfully, I have no work to do this weekend so hopefully, Shelbie and I can find something distracting to do and we can both pretend to have fun with the big, grey elephant we are dancing around.  I know I will find myself honing my Faith and hanging out on my knees.  A little prayer goes a long way, even longer than Lindor Truffles!


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