Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I think we're going to be okay

Maybe I've always felt this way but maybe not, I don't remember.

I realized today, that it's May 10th.  The day I got married for time and eternity a would be, 26 years ago!  26 years!   This coming Sunday is the day my Wasband called it quits and 21 days later, a judge agreed and 12 years from then, here we are.  Still stumbling along but still here nonetheless.

Of course, I still have plenty of thoughts left about these days I mark with a number and a feeling.  Plenty of regret.  Plenty of wondering what our family would be like if things had of worked out.  Plenty of wondering what I would be like.  Different.  We would be different for sure.  Better?  Who can say but for sure, different.

Last night, I had a thought, the kind with a little decidedness behind it, that we are going to be okay.  We might just make it.  It was strange to me, that this is the feeling that surfaced without coaxing, without convincing, just bobbed it's way to the surface of the churning thoughts I often drowned in. It felt good to try that idea on.  Yes, I think we might be okay. After all these years and wondering if I would ever get through this to something more hopeful...it came, however fleeting it was, I felt it.

Our FIRST picture as a family of FOUR.  They were so little. It's a horrible
picture,because I had a random 7 year old who was playing at the park take it
but really,
It's a sweet irony to me.  We always make do with whatever resources
we have. 
I wish that meant it was going to be easy now but these young adult years are hard on me for so many reasons.  Looking back, I feel like I've been running in a series of back to back triathlons and I am exhausted and in some ways, I feel like the next heat is starting again...and that has a certain tone of dread with it but I'm going to hold on to that clarifying moment that I think we are going to be okay.

Certainly, I couldn't do it without some great kids who are teaching me, forgiving me and offer up a team I can't refuse, to play out the rest of this game with.  What's really ironic...the day I was called by my attorney to tell me the Judge had signed the papers, I was sitting in the PICU at St. Lukes Hospital in Boise, all alone with my three sedated kids and it was the saddest moment I will never forget and here we are again, alone in another hospital, awaiting tests that will be sent to one specific location on this continent, thousands of miles away and here I sit again...alone with these thoughts and these amazing kids that are still here!  And I'm still here!  And, I think we're going to be okay.

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3 comments:

  1. Are you in Utah? We are in Utah because Treagan had open heart surgery today.

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    1. We have been but just got home tonight. Shelbie told me about your granson! He's so little for heart surgery. Sending lots of prayers for a speedy and full recovery. Keep me posted!

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