Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Not To Be Had

I've really been trying to make the best of things this year so in my continued effort to pursue the hope of joy, I decided to go to the gym last night to work out some of my frustrations and clear my mind and I am finding it helps me sleep a little better than I usually do.

So, I change into my less than cute gym clothes, the T-shirt that says, "I Literally Cannot" because I love irony and oxymoron.  It was pretty crowded so late in the evening which surprised me. I chose my usual elliptical machine, turned on a TED talk about giving up social media and away I went.  By that, I mean about 11 minutes until I was completely bored with the talk and the elliptical.

There's one problem with not sticking with the bike, elliptical or treadmill...there's a learning curve to the other machines.  So, I wander around hoping to eye a machine I think I can master just sitting down on.  The gym is no place to build your confidence and independence if you don't know what you're doing.  Sitting down is just the beginning!  Then you have to find the little handle or do-hickey that adjusts the seat to match the length of your giraffe like legs.  That can be tricky, again, for the less active minded, middle aged girl. And then! You have to study the little 1x2 sticker that shows you how to work the machine and that's never easy when you have tri-focals like me!   People look at you like you are studying for you MBA exams!

I approached a few machines, but then an evil, fat voice inside my head convinced me that it was beyond my skill set.  I remembered that they had my favorite 'machine' in the smaller part of the gym .  It's the bench that sits at a 45 degree angle and you lock your ankles under the padded bar and rest the front of your body on the angled part.  Then, with a 20 or 30 pound weight in your arms, bend down, over the padded part as if you are going to touch the floor and then back up to standing.  It's my favorite work out of all time and I can do like 30 or 40 of these things.  So, it's good for my gym ego!

To my horror, the machine was gone!  Its was horrifying because there were so many people in that part doing free weights, and floor work.  There was a different machine in it's place.  There was clearly no room for me to do free weights and other than jumping jacks or maybe a plank, I'm not a floor work type of person so, I sat down on the only machine in there.

For the life of me, I could not figure out how to make it work.   I kept banging my head on a bar.  When I thought I had it, I forgot to look at the amount of weight on the machine and it was out of my league!  I couldn't budge the stupid thing but not to be had by a dumb machine, I kept trying, thinking I could lift the handle with enough will, powered by shear embarrassment because now...everyone in the room is looking at me!  All I want to do is perform, not peter out!

I should have cut my losses with a pretend call on my phone but it was too late!  A lady came over and said, "Do you need some help?  It seems like you don't really know what you're doing?"
"No! No, I'm good! I was trying something different. Ya know...people do different things than what a machine is used for. I was trying something different.  Thanks though. I'm done with my weight part.  I'll just head out to the treadmills.  Thanks!"

Chatty Kathy couldn't shut up!  I get the biggest fool award, if there was one! That woman's facial expression will be forever seared in my mind!  I hope I never see her again in my gym life! Thankfully, as I was schlumping out of the room with my deflated spirit dragging behind me, my phone really did ring!  It was Shelbie!  Yahoo!  After 18 minutes, I had a real excuse to abandon my good intentions!

Nevertheless, the 11 minutes I spent on the elliptical seemed just right and being embarrassed for 7 minutes really got my heart pumping and I worked up some kind of sweat!  Man!  They say if you aren't sweating when you go to the gym, you aren't really working!  So, there's that!  At least I'm sticking with that theory!

Maybe my next trip, I will bribe Spencer to go with me because son's don't let mom's look stupid at the gym...working out beside them.  I'll plan to wear my cute workout clothes that day!

Oh my gosh!  I just thought about that dumb shirt I wore...I literally could not figure the machines out at the gym!  How embarrassing...I mean, more so now than when it really happened! Note to self...Don't wear that shirt if you literally cannot do something!  😏


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