Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Kids Say the Darndest Things

When is it not crazy around here?

We've had some things come up that have brought to the surface a few raw feelings.  Tonight at dinner, we got on the topic of marriage and family and children. Shelbie had some passionate feelings on the topic.  She worries that she will never marry or have children.

When she dates, things go great for awhile, until she gets sick, or they find out she is sick and they run hard and fast; as far away as their little legs will carry them. It's sad really.

"It's not fair because I would be such a great mother!" She said.

I'm really good and coming up with all sorts of consolation prizes that I think should somehow make up for the deficits she is feeling.  "You get to hold and capture the essence of so many newborn babies. Their mothers are so appreciative of the way you get them to be quiet and still and calm. That's such a great gift.  You get to love them and send them home!"

"It's not even the same.  I want to love them the way you got to love us.  I want to spend every day with them, teaching them, playing with them.  I want to be there when they throw a tantrum and hug them and love them. When they screw up and when they rebel and when they hate the world and God and I can love them through that and teach them and be there for them and watch my love for them deepen in ways that it can only deepen when you suffer through things like that with them!  I want to have someone I can hold on to!  I want to watch them learn and grow through all the hard things like you get to do!"

I'm pretty sure, I have never thought of motherhood in this way before.  EVER!  I'm pretty sure I will count my blessings a little differently after tonight.  I never really took note of what a privilege those crazy times are and I will never take another struggle for granted.

But that's hard.  Cause right now, I have three in a struggle and it's not easy but I can see that it is always worth it.

I never knew how deeply saddened she was with her situation in life.

Last night, in a few moments I had with Spencer, I asked him, "When were you the happiest in life?" (Cause he's far from happy right now)

His answer was not surprising..."My mission.  I loved my life.  I loved being full of love and serving.  I loved that everyday had purpose.  I loved that I didn't have to worry about bills and jobs and all that."

"So, what would make you happy now?" I asked.
"I just want to live in a van, by myself, driving around the country."  was his shocking reply.

We backed out of the van purchase last weekend.  But now, he's full of regret so he's doing his best to come up with the money to buy it.  (I secretly hope he doesn't get it...I don't want him living in a van in the middle of Kingdom Come! Do you blame me?)  But, I do want him to find that kind of happiness again...a van is only temporary, a smiley face band-aid that will 'fall off' eventually.

Ahhh...life has some interesting perspectives!  


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