Thursday, December 1, 2016

Bone Marrow Biopsy #3

The biopsy we've been putting off forever has finally arrived.  Tomorrow, Shelbie will have her bone marrow biopsy at Huntsman's under conscious sedation which really means, she will be conscious that the sedation they use sucks!

I have a special little place in my heart reserved for Shelbie when it comes to bone marrow biopsies.  She was the first of the kids to have one.  She was the first to have one without any sedation; conscious or otherwise.  I will never, as long as I roam this earth, forget that day.

It was at Primary Children's Medical Center, her platelets were at 1, a number that carries with it extreme risk for spontaneous hemorrhage. She was 6 years old and it was her first biopsy.  Samuel was just 5 months old and sat beside the bed in his carrier.  Two nurses, laid their arms and upper body weight across Shelbie's back and held her arms to her side.  Another nurse stood at the foot of the bed, tethering Shelbie's legs as she was flailing and screaming.  I knelt down at the head of the bed, cradling her little, sweet face in my hands, and with tears streaming down my own face, stared into her eyes and sang a shaky version of,  I Am A Child Of God. I could hardly cry out the words.

With every scream, as the doctors removed a sample of her marrow and a sliver of bone, I pled for Heaven to help her, to make this end.  I feel those devastating moments of extreme pain and sadness even still.

On that day, I vowed that my kids would never experience that again, only to my horror, just 9 months later, Samuel would undergo that same, procedure, awake.  I had no idea back then, the course our life would take.  That was the last day I stepped foot in Primary Children's Hospital.   I went to great lengths and drove an extra 2 hours out of my way to St. Lukes in Boise, and then 11 hours to Seattle because I had grown to hate that place.  I still can't walk into that hospital without feeling extreme anxiety, panic and guilt.

So, tomorrow is going to be a hard one for me.  It will be a hard one for Shelbie.  Not only will the procedure be hard but waiting for results will be difficult this time around.  Normally, I don't stress a whole lot about the time we spend waiting to hear if their marrow is stable for another year.  This time, it's different.  Shelbie has so many symptoms of lymphoma and this will be the first time since all of her difficulties increased this year, to know for 100% certainty she is cancer free.

I know, as I sit beside her bed tomorrow morning, I will see that little terrified, 6 year old angel from the past, who has endured so much pain and affliction and it will be almost more than my tired, mamma heart can manage.  I will likely have to leave for a moment afterwards to collect myself.  I'm not at all excited to go through this with her...I don't get angry about many things but bone marrow biopsies done without complete sedation angers me so much.

At any rate, this will hopefully be our last trip to Utah until the second week in January.  I am so looking forward to the fact that the kids can try to feel like  normal kids for a few Christmasy weeks. We've had a terrific winter storm and my lousy car has me knotted up about making this drive.  It took me 20 minutes this morning to drive 4 miles to my client's home. Hopefully,  it will be uneventful tonight when we finally get on the road.  The boys will be holding down the fort!

I hope our prayers are heard and swiftly answered, that we are all safe in our travels and if there are a few Angels with nowhere to be tomorrow morning, and nothing to do, I hope they choose to be with Shelbie.  She deserves a little extra help from Heaven.


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