Wednesday, November 16, 2016

The graveyard within

I read this poem a short while ago and it intrigues me.

You will become a graveyard
of all the women you once were
before you rise one morning
embraced by your own skin.

You will swallow a thousand 
different names
before you taste the meaning 
held within your own.

Pavana

Amazing words right?  I wish I could say that I have finally become that graveyard of once was. Instead, I find myself swallowing a thousand regrets, uncomfortable in my own skin and the meaning of my purpose here is often lost on me.

It seems there are so many people around me who have been stung with the loss of loved ones in the blink of an eye. No warning, they're just gone.  Young. Older but young all the same.  Some of them I haven't known at all, some I am acquainted with their family, some I have only had casual interaction with, even distant interactions but they have all impacted me, all the same.

I probably spend too much time thinking about death but I can't help wondering if those who have passed on, did so, content with their life; if they could look back and be satisfied and happy with the person they became.

Sam received a special blessing two weeks ago and he was promised that when his time in this life is done, he will know he had accomplished everything he was meant to do here.  That is simply a staggering thought to me. A peaceful thought.

This week has been a week of wrestling with these restless thoughts of my own.  I feel dragged down and done, yet with this feeling of panic that there is more I need to do, want to do.  My thoughts dart around looking for that one satisfying thing that will bring contentment, creativity, fulfillment.  Something that is as far from depressed and drudgery as possible.  It seems only a distant wishful sort of thought.

We are way off our regular schedule and the time to finally start processing and recovering from the month we've had has arrived.  All of that makes for a long week.   We won't be able to do Shelbie's transfusion this week which is a shame.   With all her mouth sores and low counts, the extra immunity would be welcomed.  The supplier wasn't able to get the increased dosing of plasma out to Utah Pharmacy in time and they weren't able to get it to us in time.  We probably won't even receive it until Friday.  It's a huge undertaking to make the nursing company completely revamp their schedule to accommodate us and I'm not about to put that pressure on them. If we infuse Friday, then next week, we either have to infuse Friday again the following week or Thursday but then we are into Thanksgiving and Black Friday so that won't work...  I just need simplicity in my life and infusion isn't a battle I'm willing to fight.  These things happen.

Even though it seems we are in a strange funk of growing pains, some good things have happened.  Sam is officially registered for College.  That was an undertaking this morning.   He only suffered a few panic attacks today at the thought of more schooling but he will survive!  I only suffered a few panic attacks knowing that my youngest is in college and that Christmas is coming and I haven't even given it one single thought!

Well, I digress.




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