Thursday, October 6, 2016

Keeping on

We have found ourselves in a holding pattern.  Tomorrow, was to be Shelbie's bone marrow biopsy and Spencer's device check but the boys are working like mad men in the spuds and Shelbie is booked with work and a boy!  He's coming up from Utah to take her out.  So, of course, she can't cancel that for a bone marrow biopsy!  Priorities...wink, wink.

So, I gladly rescheduled the appointments.

As is customary, I find that I do better during the busiest of times than afterwards.  Having a little room to breathe means a little room to think and that seems to be when I have to work harder to cobble myself together.  There is something to be said about being able to ignore the messy thoughts and fears that get stuffed somewhere to the dark lobes of my barely functioning brain.  

And, by barely functioning, I mean...going to Walmart to get something urgent and then wandering the aisles for no less than 35 minutes until you dig through all the boxes of compartmentalized information in your head before you remember what 'box' to find the urgent thing in that you swore you would remember...oh ya...toilet paper.   Urgent and important incidentally.

It's coming home from the grocery store, putting all the groceries away and then spend 20 minutes trying to find the cottage cheese.  Ahh, of course, in the cupboard with the plates.  I left it out to make something for lunch but it was in my way while emptying the dishwasher...I guess.  We'll never know why I did that.

The stories of my mental decline are great and plentiful these days.  Heaven help me!

The boys had their first day of trucking for spud harvest, yesterday.  It was a 12 hour day and they loved it!  I love seeing them adult!  They are honest, hard workers.  They didn't even get a chance to eat lunch or dinner but they didn't complain a bit.  When I stop for too long to think about all the things that can go wrong with Sam's eye problem and Spencer's heart and his ongoing events, I could worry forever but we start the morning in prayer and get on with the day.

The nights roll into days and the struggles remain the same but we keep on going.  Some nights, I wonder if I will ever understand my purpose here.  This past week in dealing with heartless, annoying people, I've been exhausted.  I went to my room earlier last night to get some writing done and just before midnight, Spencer came in to say goodnight.  He wanted to thank me for being a pretty cool mom.  I'm not sure what I ever do that is so cool, I think because I let them do what they want to do, despite my worst case scenario line of thinking.  My kids are always doing sweet things like this for me.  I'm pretty lucky in the kid department.  I'm glad that life has always been hard.  No good thing goes unnoticed and we know that all we have is each other.

Seeing the boys get to know each other better, now that Spencer is home from his mission and school, is something that keeps me going too.  They are so different from each other but so good together as they balance each other just a bit.  Sam has always been the annoying little brother, 4 years younger.  Spencer was gone for the two years when Sam suddenly grew up. Now they are both amazing, sweet young men.