Saturday, September 3, 2016

Unanticipated

UNANTICIPATED...This is a fabulous word.  I love it and it so wonderfully describes my life.

Not one thing I anticipated in life has actually happened.  Around every turn, in every chapter and era of life, I have been surprised at what I got instead of what I wanted.  I'm still reading Clayton Christensen's book, How Will You Measure Your Life?, he uses this word in terms of "unanticipated alternatives."  When something different takes the place of what was expected.

I expected to have a pretty normal life.   I expected that it would follow some prescribed course according to all the great expectations you find yourself surrounded by just because you live in this world.  It's a world of abundance where anything is possible.  Most people bank on the anything possible part with a generous portion of hope and accept nothing less than great things.

I didn't anticipate that today, I would feel so disheveled and distant from myself and others.
I didn't anticipate that my life would have veered so far in the opposite direction of 'normal' that                    people could no longer relate to me.
I didn't anticipate that even with a genetic disease, it would ever progress the way it has.
I didn't anticipate that someday, my kids would grow up.
I didn't anticipate that when they grew up, I would no longer be able to shelter them from the harsh                realities of this world or the disease.
I didn't anticipate that I would be living my life on my own.
I didn't anticipate that you can be surrounded by people and feel entirely and wholly alone.
I didn't anticipate that grief could show up, unpack and make herself comfortable in your front room.
I didn't anticipate the power in a thought.
I didn't anticipate how much I want to shrink and disappear and disengage

In addition to these thoughts...

I didn't anticipate that my kids could handle so much and handle it with grace.
I didn't anticipate that my kids would find a way to get around their infirmities and still create a life.
I didn't anticipate that there is so much to be learned in the quiet moments of alone.
I didn't anticipate making it this far.
I didn't anticipate learning as much as I have.
I didn't anticipate that I my Faith could grow exponentially
I didn't anticipate that the love I once had for my kids pales in comparison to the love I have for them          now.
I didn't anticipate that I could handle much more but I have and I guess I will.

I guess, what I've really learned, as I wrestle and struggle and continue to become, is that I don't know what is coming next.  I don't know what those unanticipated alternatives are going to present themselves as.  Anything is possible.  That's a scary thought because anything IS possible.  Anything is too big of a word for me.  I prefer to keep things small and manageable but God seems to like BIG things for me which I didn't anticipate at all.

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