Tuesday, May 24, 2016

It's just a phase...I thought

The struggle is real.

In case you thought I was just joking about my mid life unraveling...I'm not.

I thought the struggle I have found myself in this year was just a phase.  Of course the things we have gone through with Shelbie were disturbing at best, rocked my foundation a bit and the open ended problems with cancer still looming as a possibility and another scan just over a month away.  I watch her struggle to find her footing again.  I watch her liver enzymes rising steadily.  I watch her try to manage her ever growing kidney pain.  I do nothing and it's hard to just do nothing.  But to the world, she smiles.  And I smile.  And the boys smile and we do our best to muddle through.

What I am starting to realize, is that this may not be a phase but isn't that what we always wish when we go through something hard? Most of the time it is, just a phase.  The hard thing passes...painfully albeit, but it passes.  Now, let me acknowledge that I know I don't have a corner on the market of suffering.  If you aren't suffering yourself, you don't have to look far to see one in the throws of waiting for what comes next...Waiting for that good thing everyone promised in their condoling response to your suffering.  "Everything happens for a reason."  "You deserve something great!"  "It's about time something wonderful came your way." My personal favorite..."This too shall pass."  or  "Keep your chin up."

So...you wait and watch for that wonderful, deserving thing.  That one great thing to balance out the raw deal you have been given.  But it doesn't happen.  Then you think it must be something I'm doing to deserve this.  Maybe I haven't learned my lesson yet.  I just have to learn my lesson, whatever that is...

You double your efforts to learn that great lesson so you can move on because Heaven knows...enough is enough.   We want more than anything to find structure and purpose to our difficult stories.  We want something to make sense.  And, one day it does, or it sort of does and then next day what we thought we had figured out, has been shaken back down and stirred in the pot of scarcity and survival.

These things weigh heavily on my mind.  I think it's partly because the first half of this year just about killed me mentally, wore me down to the quick and now we are going through some extremely life changing times, not necessarily sad things, because I for one couldn't be happier that Sam is graduating, done, so long Common Core.  So long IEP.  So long busy work. So long...no child left behind as we stumble across the stage at graduation on Friday!

It's a time of reflection and time of writing the end of this chapter and starting a new one.  It's as if it's being thrust upon me before I am ready...have caught up.   In a way, I've lost my ability to see tomorrow.  It's hard just getting us through today.

So, I've been working on this little problem while I sit in my Lupus mess and now the fog of Prednisone and think that maybe it's time for a shift. Maybe I need to stop waiting for some great and wonderful, 3rd Act, happily ever after to rescue me from where I stand. Maybe it's enough of a lesson to be able to say...I'm sorry I have failed so many people, failed myself, failed my kids right now...this is really hard.

Then...I heard this from the writer Amy Bickers whose ex husband committed suicide in front of her after he locked her in the garage...

"We can not wait for the Universe to bring us some amazing thing, some equal yet opposite event that will make up for tragedies. We can't wait for a grand reckoning that will explain the unexplainable because no good thing can be big enough to erase loss from who we are now."  Amy Bickers.

I love this, but even more, I love that I have the understanding of the Plan of Happiness.  I love that I understand that we are in the wrestle, as Sherry Dew recently spoke of.  I love that I understand that it is suppose to be hard and we are in the 2nd act and things may be full of tension and trying for now.  The 3rd Act of happily ever after won't happen until the next life when we can hear our Father say, "Well done."  I hope I get to hear that some day.

For now, I'm trying to figure out how to be okay with saying, This is really hard. I've never done that before.  Can you believe that...I've never admitted that before.  Oh well, it only took a couple of decades of being worn down...I'm a stubborn soul.

I'm determined to figure out how to make things work in the wrestle.  How to give a little structure to the never ending questions, the foggy road ahead, the feeling our way blindly along.  It's a process but I'll get there.  We'll get there...

So enough of the sad posts...I had to start Prednisone yesterday because another trip to the Urgent Care Sunday proved disheartening on the Lupus front and the crazy effects are shaping up nicely as well as plenty of nausea, headaches and I think my kidneys are about dead, so the rest of the week I'm banned from any thoughts rattling through my steroid, induced flurry of madness, mind.  Instead, it will be about celebrating Graduation!  I can't wait to post Sam's Senior Pictures the ever talented Shelbie took and more on Spencer's road trip and his efforts to 'Choose Must'; that boy is a fascinating creature that I am sort of jealous of right now!



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1 comment:

  1. Wow, Kathy. You teach me a lot. Happy graduation week!

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