Monday, March 7, 2016

Worst. Day. Ever.

Anytime Shelbie sees me getting frustrated, upset, or stressed, she says, "Mom, relax.  Stress causes cancer."  I don't think she's really trying to be funny.  I think she is genuinely worried about the levels of stress we can feel around here at times.

Today...the levels were toxic.

11:00 am, I made a few calls to the surgeon who I was told would be doing Shelbie's surgery just to see if they had a date yet.  Left a message.

11:10 am, got a call from a nurse saying she had a date for Shelbie's surgery- tomorrow!  Tomorrow, bright and early in Salt Lake.  I panicked.  I puked...and then I made a million phone calls to cancel my work schedule for the week.  The nurse was from a different surgeon's office than the one I had been calling.  I asked why they had changed our surgeon and she said this doctor was a better fit for the case.

12:15 pm, I pulled it together.  Focused.  Prioritized what remained of the day.  I had committed to make two birthday cakes today for two different people that had to be finished by 5pm. so there was no time to waste.

1:00pm, I got a phone call from the same nurse.  Apologetic this time.  She had to bump us.  A more serious case came up that would require the surgeon.  Our appointment is now next Tuesday.  ONE MORE WEEK OF WAITING...!  Is this real life?  How can this be happening to us?
I puked...again.  I made a million phone calls, rescheduling my work for Tuesday.  Trying to be happy that at least we would see the doctor on Wednesday to get results from the Cytogenetics and Flow Cytometry on her abnormal Lymphocytes.

1:45pm, Another phone call.  Dr. appointment Wednesday cancelled for two more weeks.  He wants to wait until biopsy results are back.  They will take a week...give or take.  It makes sense but honestly...I told the nurse that this was feeling a little overwhelming to be told our chance of having cancer is nearly 100% yet we wait...more than 8 weeks we've been waiting with this possibility sitting like an elephant on our poor, tired hearts.   She said, "I understand and I am so very sorry.  This must be an extremely complicated case. It's not usually like this. I had to schedule the surgery and I haven't scheduled such a complicated biopsy in a very long time.  It's almost unheard of. It's just going to take time to get the results."  So...two more weeks of this intense craziness.

Honestly.  I feel dead.  If stress causes cancer...I'm already dead inside.

We have been trying so hard.  Sooooooo be positive; hopeful.  I'm not going to lie, this is going to take some super kind of faith and patience to work through; to understand.  This may be the first time I look Heavenward and have to wonder what I am to learn from this.

I know it will become clear.  I know that.  I know this is all part of our learning and growing but still there must be another reason but it is beyond my realm of wonder.

I feel worse for Shelbie.  She has been amazing through this.  I hardly recognize her.  The struggle she is working through is phenomenal yet she keeps going!  I got home a little early from work this morning, before these phone calls started and she dropped to the floor in pain.  Still this nagging, sharp pain under her lungs...still the pain I assume is coming from her spleen but who knows...I'm not a doctor.  She laid on the kitchen floor for a couple of minutes.  I stood there and stared.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm completely helpless.

But a few minutes later, the pain passes and she is up, on her way to finish buying decorations for the surprise party she threw for her dad tonight.  I feel a deep reverence for her as I witness what she is living with but the sadness runs deep as well.  She is definitely earning her place in  Not so much.  Not after today. I was a big disappointment. I should have handled things better.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day to try again.  Hopefully, it won't involve puking because I would rather staple my lips shut than puke and besides, the kind of stress that makes you puke, also causes cancer and we wouldn't want that!    

Not to end on a sour note...Here are the cakes I made this afternoon.  The Life Alert Cake was for her dad.  No, I wasn't being mean...He turns 50 on Wednesday and since we were going to be in Salt Lake, she had planned a big "Older than dirt" surprise party tonight with all his nieces and nephews that are here going to school.   It was her cousin's birthday today so I made him a cake too.  She had asked me to do this for her last week and she picked out the designs.  It was actually the thing that got me through the rest of this day and her dad was so happy!  She was so happy!  That made it all worth it.

The Life Alert cake and the Stack of Pancakes cake.  I'm not that great at cake making...but I find it kind of fun. 


1 comment:

  1. 1. Those are amazing cakes!
    2. I wish I could relieve the pressure somehow, even if it IS turning you into diamonds.