Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Scan Results

I actually didn't want to title this post something boring like Scan Results but it's a post I will want to go back to and some cryptic title is going to confuse me down the road, looking back.  So, Scan Results it is.

I'm not sure which is more correct...Shelbie passed the PET scan or Shelbie failed the PET scan? Does passing mean nothing lit up and you are free to carry on and live your life; thanks for the ride but whew!...dodged that bullet...OR does failing mean the scan lit up like a Christmas tree and you are full of hot spots that look deceptively like cancer?  Maybe it's vice versa.  Maybe they don't really use the terms pass/fail.

Well, Shelbie lit up like a Christmas tree.  She has 'hot' spots as they say in the PET scan world from her head to her lower pelvis. They are deep within her body cavity.  Ugh. the official term for- Holy Crap.  Say it isn't so.  Please, anything but this.  What now?  Is this real life?  Doesn't this happen to other people?  This wasn't part of my master plan.  Do we really have to go through this?  You're joking right?

Let me use the word in a sentence for you.

"When the doctor called yesterday afternoon to deliver the news about the PET scan, all Kathy could say was Ugh."

Last night, our doctor had plans to meet with a surgeon to go over the scans together and find the safest location in her body to do a biopsy.  Remember these enlarged and now 'hot' lymph nodes are all along her aorta, lungs, neck, kidneys, liver, spleen and on down her body.  There are no surface nodes causing problems at this time. In fact, that's what has been so strange...the nodes you expect to feel enlarged are not.  None of these have been felt by a doctor.

Another long night around here.  It's not that I necessarily lay awake stewing about Cancer, I lay there trying to understand and hoping to see God in the mix.  And, I do.  I see that things are going according to His plan.

I love this quote by Wayne Brickey, "What to us is a sad story is God's sanctifying project deserving his closest attention and highest forces.  He is a God of lasting miracles.  Since hurry could ruin everything, God waits until the project is finished while we wonder at His slow pace."

So...when people ask me if I'm mad at God...the answer is no.  Shelbie is his sanctifying project, a lasting miracle.  How could I be angry with that?

So...when people ask me if, when I get to Heaven, I am going to have a sit down with God to ask why...the answer is no.  I know why.  His plan for redeeming his children is the 'Why' of all that God does.   What's there to question?

So...when people ask me how we are doing...the answer is fine.  Fine, because there is no other short way to describe in a passing moment how I am doing, how Shelbie is doing, how Spencer is doing, how Samuel is doing, how my Wasband is doing, how any of us are doing.

We all know, in varying degrees that these trials are part of our curriculum.  We can choose to suffer well and wisely or we can choose to whine and murmur but knowing the plan and seeing God's miracles for us each day, doesn't exactly change the fact that we are all deeply saddened by this news.  We are very sad.  I am very sad.  Ugh. Maybe I shouldn't be, but I am .  I am sad, scared, worried, exhausted; terrified even!!  But I am not mad at God.  I am blessed.  I know we are blessed beyond words.

This morning, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and wondered how I will shoulder the burdens that I am being called upon to bear.  I felt frail and fragile and overwhelmed.  I also felt resolved.


Today, we wait for Dr. S as in Dr. Shami, to call me back and let me know when surgery will be for Miss Shelbie.   He said he wanted to get it done as soon as possible.  In my mind, that is tomorrow or Friday but who knows.

I thought there was more but let's not get ahead of ourselves...this is enough! UGH!

My next post will be to try to describe what we are really looking at here.  This is not a simple, cut and dried cancer we are talking about here.  Cancer is truly the better of the two options that our new team of doctors is looking at.  If this isn't cancer, and there is still a % of a chance that it is not, then I fear we will find ourselves in deeper, rough waters than just cancer.  Fingers crossed... (does that sound crazy to anyone else but me...fingers crossed it's cancer?  We live a different life.)



  1. <<>> F.I.N.E. stands for frantic insane neurotic exhausted. So go ahead and tell everyone you are fine. It is not a lie.

  2. Sorry, that last post was not suppose to be anonymous.