Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Playing Possum

Ya know how they say, God doesn't give you more than you can handle?

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you just stopped handling things?

I did today.  I wondered what would happen if I threw myself down in the middle of the surgical suites and kicked and screamed and then just melted into a drooling mess of tears, crying UNCLE on the way down?  Then, just lay there with my face buried in some paper scrubs and then just peek out every now and again to see what God thought of that.

Do you think he would stand there and say, "Okay.  I guess that's more than you can handle.  FINE!  Enough is enough! Have it your way.  You win!  Are you happy now?"

And then...I would jump up and giggle and run down the hall clicking my heels.

Ya...probably not.  He probably doesn't fall for playing possum with how you handle things.

Actually...he would probably just stand there with his arms folded, tapping his foot and say, "Good grief, get up!  Stop playing around. You can handle this.  You ain't seen nothin yet!"
I seriously contemplated the first part though, the melting into a drooling mess of tears...

Today was almost too much!  But then, I had a good break down in the cafeteria at Huntsman, while trying to choose which banana to eat for breakfast.  I just mostly did it so Sam would put his arm  around me and give me a hug and tell me that he loved me and that we could do this. Playing possum.  I got this. Really!

No...I actually don't!

In case you are just joining this saga...today was surgery day.  It became crystal clear, very early on today why we had to wait a week for surgery; why we got bumped.  Clearly, we ended up with the most incredible surgeon.  She is a Complex Surgical Oncologist.  In fact, Shelbie had not one surgeon but three in the room with her.  She an entire team of specialists who all came in to examine her, talk to her, care for her.  It was the most incredible thing I have ever witnessed.  Truly, God was in these details.

Dr. S showed us the PET scan.  It was hard to finally see all the areas that are hot as can be.  Seeing is believing and things got real...real fast!  I had to leave the room for a minute to gather myself.  Up until a few minutes before surgery, they weren't sure where they were going to operate.  Three doctors couldn't feel any lymph nodes close to the surface.  Dr. Scaife laughed and said Shelbie was like the Easter Bunny, hiding those hot spots in the trickiest places.

They finally determined that the right side of her abdomen was going to be their first attempt. Surgery was nearly an hour and a half but she retrieved a golf ball size node that even stunned her.  They didn't look that big and ugly, even on the scan.  Prior to surgery, she told Shelbie that judging from the scan, she had about a 70% chance that this was cancer.  The other choice is a major infection/ inflammation.  I didn't ask her what she thought once she retrieved that mess.  I like to cling to denial...with the very tips of my fingernails.

So, we wait...3-5 more days for results.

I really wondered today if we could do this.  The hour before surgery, Shelbie struggled big time!  Poor thing!  It was heart wrenching.  When they unlocked the wheels to take her to the OR suite, I put my arm around her and kissed her on the forehead.  She buried her head in my arms and cried and cried, "I love you so much! Please, don't let me die today!"  With that, she was gone down the hall.


Well, this is hard.  Whatever comes of things, we will deal... Actually, after my little mishap trying to choose a banana, my attitude improved some.  Tonight, Shelbie is resting comfortably.  I am really surprised.  She has about a 3" incision and they had to dig deep so all things considered...it's going well.  Tomorrow, we will try to head home.  I have to stop every 45 min- an hour and make her walk.  They have been really concerned about the condition of her heart and lungs.  But...God is good.  He is watching over her and we will continue to do our best to handle things as they come.

As a side note...It's really hard to justify being upset about our lot in life.  Over the weekend, a small plane crashed, killing two couples from our area.  Both couples died and left behind their small children.  4 kids in one family and three in the other.  I can't even imagine the suffering.  What we are facing pales in comparison.  My heart and prayers go out to these families.
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