Thursday, March 10, 2016

It's better to stumble.

On a forum today for Shwachman Diamond Syndrome, one young mother commented that I was her Yoda.  She is just one year into raising her little son with SDS.  He has already had so many difficult problems.

I am nobody's Yoda I can promise you that.  As I responded to her, I remembered our family mantra some time ago; "It's better to stumble down the right road, than to run down the wrong one."  This was my response to her.

"I feel like I spend more time dusting off my knees and wiping dirt from my face for all the stumbling I've done rather than being confident in any part of this, let alone 'doing it right', whatever that is."

This week, I have spent more time feeling beaten down and even trodden upon as I stumbled to find my footing.  It's hard being so human.

Monday was something else!  We managed to salvage the day but not without some scrapes and bruises to our earnest desire to be trusting, courageous and hopeful.

Tuesday, I was dusting off my knees and finding my shoe that flew off from the impact of Monday, and things were looking up ever so slightly until I got a call from my dear boy in Utah!  Spencer has been having an equally hard week.  It was 45 minutes of him telling me all the different ways he is a loser, a screw up, a poor excuse for an adult...let's see, what was the other condescending word he used?  A failure!  That was it.  He is just an all 'round failure to humanity.

A wise doctor is teaching me the importance of acknowledgement as opposed to approval.  So, I just let him unpack his very heavy luggage. It took nearly an hour and I acknowledge the difficult circumstances he finds himself in. "So?" he asked,

For another 45 minutes, we talked about the choices we make.  Most were made with the best of intentions in the wisest of ways or so we thought.  We have tried our best to live a good life with a disease that promises anything but that.  Now, we can both see there may have been better choices.

He had to be home schooled for the last half of his senior year in high school due to his very poor health.  During that time, I had two other kids pretty sick and Sam had missed the majority of his semester too.  School wasn't big on my list of priorities.  I had to decide where to put my energy and time.  I put it into teaching them service, hope, trusting in God and of course, trying to get better.   There were times, in my short sighted view of life through the lens of fatigue, I wasn't even sure they would live through the year.  We lived moment to moment and though we talked about the future like it would happen, we didn't really invest in the future.  We had no energy to put there; we were stumbling, as it was through each hour.

Now, he is lost in life.  He can't focus on anything but surviving the day because that is what he learned.  That is how life has always been.  That's good enough when you are a child and your every need is being met and it even feels like a healthy way of dealing with life...it's not good enough when you have to ADULT.   In some ways, I feel like this is my fault.

After a two hour conversation with him, I felt a little defeated so naturally, I took it out on Sam!

Sam is finding himself in his last semester of school trying to catch up from the 9 weeks of school he missed when he was in 9th grade.  I forgot about it until last year but then we were trying to figure out his heart and lung issues and catch up work had to take a back seat.  Now, he has an English class and a Seminary semester to make up in two short months and a mom who is spread thin.  Again, I have a really hard time worrying about additional school work at a time like this.

Sam is exhausted.  I didn't realize until last night that he sleeps a lot.  His eyes are always sunken and dark and he is completely run down.  In addition, he is worried about Shelbie's situation because naturally, he fears this will soon become his destiny too.  So...here we are stumbling just to get through a day.  I don't know how he will get all this school work done.

He sadly received a mini lecture on focusing, making plans, setting goals and priorities to get caught up, all in an effort to make myself feel better. That didn't end well...

"Can't you see I'm freaking out too?  I am overwhelmed and I can't do this anymore? I feel like an idiot when all my friends are home studying for the ACT and I didn't even realize I was suppose to sign up"

So...we stumble.  It's the side of effect of a life like this.  We will get there.  I know without a doubt, as long as we keep trying, things will work out.  And really...today is feeling much better.  Spencer had a few great opportunities yesterday to get outside of himself and serve,  and we did too.  That makes everything more manageable.

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1 comment:

  1. I don't know if you'll feel better, but there were times that as a young adult I got totally lost in life and felt like a failure to humanity. I am confident that it's not your failurea as a mom that caused that--I think it's because Spencer is freaking fantastic and has a very great desire to be the best he can be, and the Adversary is a jerk and uses self-loathing and stuff like that to bug us big time, because he can't really get people like Spencer to choose the wrong. Even in your stumbles and imperfections, you are still fabulous. Your kids are amazing. You all amaze me and make me feel blessed to have anything to do with you!

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