Wednesday, January 20, 2016

That moment

We have a lot of moments in this little family of ours.   Moments of joy.  Moments of peace.  Moments of pain.  Moments of sorrow and sadness.

Today, we had a moment. It was a moment we haven't had in a long time. A long time being maybe a few months.

We headed up to the hospital this morning for Shelbie's MRI.  On our way out, she kept 'joking' around saying she probably had cancer and wouldn't it be weird if it wasn't her back at all that was causing the pain...

Just an hour ago, our doctor called back and said that she needs to have further testing since they found an abnormal number of very large lymph nodes.  He was more worried about that than what is happening to her disks in her back.

I don't like that feeling of having the blood drain from your face and puddle at your feet.  I don't like that lighter than air feeling like you might tip over with the next shift in the air as someone walks past.  I don't like that feeling of trying to put on a brave face when all you can think about is crying.

We had just been laughing and joking around when the call came and there was no physical way I could keep up the facade.  She read my face.  She knew it wasn't good news.

It makes it that much harder because we have someone new in the house.  Someone who hasn't been around a lot of stuff like this.  Things have been pretty calm since she arrived but now, this.  I knew I needed to maintain myself not just for Shelbie but for her too.  These moments will be hard.  I didn't factor in what I would do when reality really did sink in.

It's been a whirlwind of a couple of weeks.  I haven't had a second to blog or worry about anything other than transitioning our new addition.  I am sadly behind on work and exhausted beyond measure.
In the next moment...I prayed for strength beyond what I have to figure out how I am going to get through all this.

The CT scan and contrast will take place in the morning.  We should have results by mid afternoon.  I spoke to the doctor about the lesions they found on her brain last month, the lymph nodes around her lungs in the spring and lymph nodes by her liver just before the lung abnormalities showed up.  It scares me to death but at the same time...maybe it is nothing.  It could be nothing.  It could very well be just reactive lymph nodes in response to other inflammation she is dealing with.

The next 24 hours will surely be scattered and nail biters.  I hope the moments pass fast.


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