Friday, January 1, 2016

I AM...

I am...

What comes after these two words is what is coming for you next.

This, according to Joel Osteen and his new book , The Power of, I Am.

I haven't read it but I saw these two words on the cover of his new book and they struck me with a force I wasn't expecting.

I spend a lot of time saying...I am...tired.   I am sick.  I am sick and tired.  I am...choose anything regarding exhaustion and that is what I am most of the time.

Today is the first day of a new year and I wanted to wake up with inspiring words falling out of my head and catching on the edge of my tongue; something equally forceful and powerful to the two smallest words in the English language- I AM... I thought it would be incredible!  Inspirational!  Powerful!  Moving!  Exceptional!  Abundant!

That didn't happen.  I am full of good intentions.  I am overflowing with wishful thinking.

I have been alone for the majority of the past week.  No kids.  I had one day with Spencer, Shelbie's been in California all week and Sam has a social calendar that makes this 40 something look pathetic.  I am pathetic...that is what I woke up to this morning. Pathetic thoughts about myself.  Sometimes, the silence is suffocating and strangles the feelings of loneliness even more!

I have found that I have given away little pieces of myself to this very undeserving disease.  I gave everything I had to caring for my kids and everyone around me but forgot to take care of myself.  It seems selfish and I am anything but selfish.  And now, being alone, I see that there is nothing left of me.  Nothing to define me; ground me, without my kids.  They are more than the reason I get up every day.  Man...I didn't see this coming!  

Despite my very best efforts to not let this disease define us, take from us...it did.  It has.

I am not giving up.  It seems to be a popular tradition lately, at the beginning of a new year to choose a word for the year; something inspiring, something to live up to.  I think I will choose the words, I- AM... I will keep working on what comes next.  Life is all about trying right?

Have you noticed just how often you use these two words in a given day?  Just in this post, without trying...I redefined this phrase a half a dozen times!  If what comes after these two words are the thing that is coming for you next...that's an impressive notion.

So...what are you?


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5 comments:

  1. It is difficult to define yourself as your kids grow older and leave the next, when all you've ever been or ever wanted to be is their mom. I am struggling with this a lot right now. What am I now that my kids are grown? What do I even want to be?

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts. I'm glad I'm not alone in this...I know I'm not but it doesn't seem to be something we talk about much. Hang in there!

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  2. I don't know, but I hope to soon...

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    1. Let me know how you figure it all out! When you figure it all out!

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  3. I am ....inspired by your honesty! :)

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