Friday, January 8, 2016

But...you said!

This might be the hardest post I've written in a long time.  I have waffled about including this part of my life on the blog and decided that I would.  But, it's scary.  It hasn't been an easy week.  As news of our changes has been making it's way around the rumor mill, I have been offered a never ending commentary of thoughts, the majority not very kind or loving, let alone supportive.   I guess I know where I really stand with some people.

Our life is changing.  Our family is changing and we are embarking on a whole new chapter of life.  This is one of those life changing moments when nothing will ever be the same after tomorrow.

If you've been following our family, this blog, you will be somewhat familiar with my project, 29 gifts.  Last year, for a total stranger, I gave a small gift.  Nothing really.  It was given from my heart to a young woman who I had only briefly heard about a millisecond of her life.  This past Christmas, again, I gave a small gift to the same young woman who I still knew nothing about but something reminded me about her from the previous year and I couldn't stop thinking about her.  We have never met.  I know hardly anything about her.

This past week, I received a call.  It was from a social worker in another State.  In an effort to keep certain parts of this story sacred and respect her privacy, some details will be left out.  The call was to ask if I would take this girl in, the stranger I sent a small, inconsequential Christmas gift to and by some fluke, became the recipient of a  29 gift one year ago...this week, I think!

The good thing about a phone call is that the person on the other end doesn't see the blood drain from your face.  They don't notice that your legs are wobbly and about to give out.  They don't see that the phone trembles in your hand.  They don't even perceive the quiver in your voice because they don't know me either.  They don't notice the beads of sweat that band together across your hairline.  I'm not even sure they noticed my stammering.

Within seconds, 977 reasons of why I couldn't do this raced through my head.  I'm a single mom.  I'm a tired single mom.  I'm a tired, single, poor mom.  I'm a tired, single, poor, spread thin mom.  Oh, did I mention I have three kids of my own in bad shape right now?  I'm not exactly sure what I actually said to the woman on the other end.  It's hard now to remember what was happening in my head and what was coming out of my mouth! I may have uttered some of my concerns and reasons for why this was a horrible, idea but I'm honestly not sure.  We are our own broken souls hanging by a thread, what a great idea, add another broken soul and see how far any of us get.

In the most clear and audible tone, I heard a voice in my kitchen where I stood say, "But, you said!"  That's all... You said.

I knew immediately what that meant.  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  The foundation of my faith is family.  Eternal family. It's charity.  It's love of God. I have made covenants with my Father in Heaven.  I said I would consecrate everything I have to build up the kingdom, to build up families!  To build up each other; to build strong spirits.  I promised to bear one another's burdens.  I promised that I would clothe the naked and feed the hungry.  I promised to do it to the least of these.  Then the line from Matthew 25:35- I was a stranger, and ye took me in.

As I heard all my excuses, ticker tape through my head, ready to formulate on my tongue in a firm, "NO".  I thought what a hypocrite I was.  I preach of these things...yet, can't even live it?  To say no would feel like nothing more than lip service to the very God who gave ME life, a pretty good life compared to hers.  It would be turning my back on my Savior Jesus Christ who was once drenched in my suffering; my sins.

So, without further dismay...I said 'Yes'.  I said yes to something that terrifies me.

I was given the opportunity to talk to this sweet young woman twice this week.  We asked each other questions of trivial matters and hard questions.  As each day this week has moved on, I have felt more peace.

I don't know how we are going to do this.  In fact, the 977 points of refusal have now turned into 977 questions of 'how'?  This is a leap of faith for me, for my kids, for her, for her family.

In everyone's life, there is bitter and there is sweet.  Monday night when I told my kids, I was amazed at them.  Sam offered the dinner prayer and without coaching, prayed intently for a girl he doesn't even know.  I have heard the pleadings of Shelbie in prayer for this girl's safety.  I myself have taken moments to pray for all of us!

Most of all, I love what Spencer said when I told him, "So, she has problems?"
"Yes.  Life has been hard and life has been unkind to her."
"So, in other words, she's a misfit like us?"
"What do you mean?"
"She doesn't fit in anywhere, she doesn't belong in this world; like us?"
"Yes, I guess you could look at it like that. Ya, we are misfits.  We have a hard time fitting in, I guess I never stopped to think of it in those terms."
"Then yes, we have to do it.  We have to love her.  We can love her...how hard is that?"

And so tomorrow...we will meet one brave and courageous young woman.  What if she is the little tattered angel sent from Heaven to save US?  What if this isn't about her at all?

With faith...I said yes.  With faith, we are taking one tiny step into a big blackness and I'm not sure what comes next.

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1 comment:

  1. Tears! Tears of gratitude for you four amazing souls.

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